Saturday, 31 December 2011

Christmas Break

Christmas Eve Brunch with Q&Z yummy gingerbread pancakes
Christmas Eve Dinner with the Baileys
Lovely Puppies
Sweet Baby Tel 
Christmas Day at Halls'
Christmas Day Walk with Kane

One day I will figure out how to place pictures nicely on this blog... We had a very busy 3 days, exhausted by the time boxing day came along and most of the company left.  Christmas eve we had brunch with the lovely queasy which was so nice, then I made a pot roast for the Bailey Christmas dinner that evening, then I headed downtown for carols at Church, then on to see very tired nephews!  Meeting Tel for the first time was amazing, and I fell head over heels in love with him, just as I did meeting Rye and Kane for the first time.  Christmas day involved church and then off to my parents house where they were 15 of was a long day with yummy food and a mountain of presents that I couldn't wait for the boys to dig into, I loved watching their faces dig into the presents.  Boxing day I spent most of it in bed while the rest of my house went hiking...I was just spent and the strep-throat wasn't getting any better.  J went home then we went out for dinner to celebrate my mom's 50th birthday, and headed back over to our house for cake and pictures...none of which I have.   Everyone except K&G left the next morning, I have been in bed pretty much the whole time trying to get better...which isn't working as now I have a viral chest infection, vicks vapor rub on my feet, wishing that I wake up tomorrow in 2012 healthy...

Friday, 23 December 2011

A week I could have lived without

I have not been to the gym in 6 days, yes alot has happened this week.  Saturday and Sunday were planned days off, then lovely illness called strep throat came to visit.  Let me tell you it has been a miserible week for the two of us.  LB had a fever for 2 days before he went to the clinic and was told had strep and put on antibotics, meanwhile I had a wisdom tooth pulled out and then fainted in the dentist office. I got up and was fine, paying for the bill and felt faint.  I let them know and sat down on the floor and the poor dentist and the assistant were helping me back to the chair, when down I went.  As I went down I remember thinking thank goodness I am not 200+ pounds, as I felt hands grasping to hold me up. I have a sever reaction to blood, it isn't the first time I have fainted over it and it probably wont be the last.  And I did the worst thing you can do which is relax, with every other phobia relaxation is key...except for blood related ones, you are supposed to tense up to keep your blood pressure up to prevent fainting. 
 So then it was my turn to get strep and have finally left my fever behind last we are desperatly trying to get healthy as we have so many wonderful plans with friends and family in the next couple days. 

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Christmas Time Is Here

My Christmas wish list is
* to get over my strep throat
*LB to get over his strep throat
*my wisdom tooth to heal nicely
*and all our company arrives safety
*to be healthy enough to cuddle my sweet nephews
* and give our poor poor puppies a much needed walk(as we have been in bed for the last 2 days)

Monday, 19 December 2011

To be our true authentic selves

"When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable." Madeleine L'Engle

Oh and this is how I feel today, as I admit to cheating the last two weeks on my self with food.  I strive for perfection daily and when I don't reach perfection, because no one can, I lose it on myself and the spiral of self contempt and eating begins.  It is probably my biggest personal struggle is to accept my self the way I am today, because I am not yet the person I want to be.  This is not only my weight, but who I am inside.  
I know there must be a balance between personal growth and acceptance of self.  If I spend my whole life striving for growth and betterment in the way which I do now, I will miss out on so much of life's little wonderful moments.  
It is one of the factors I haven't chosen to have children yet (other then the depression), because I don't feel that I am the best me yet...and don't my children deserve that?  But don't our children deserve to also see that we all have struggles and that victory and failure happens to each of us and to see how we deal with each of those?  These battles rage inside my head on a daily basis.
It's the reason when I am in school that I have no time for anything else, I have thrown myself 100% into my studies striving for perfection...and heaven help this household if anything else happens.  
So I am going to try this Christmas break to be less hard on myself...challenge denied K.  I will enjoy the brief time with my loved ones, as my true authentic self...with just a slightly smaller serving of dessert. 

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Challenge Accepted

It has been an incredibly busy week with some ups, B&B and the 3 little boys are coming for Christmas! And some downs, poor little Tel has been in the hospital as he hasn't gained any weight since his birth 2 months ago, he should be out today and has finally be diagnosed with acid reflex. We also found out that a extended family member has breast cancer and started chemo this week, and all I can think about are the two beautiful little ones they have and my heart just aches for them.
I finished my last exam yesterday!!
And K and I decided that I will have a weigh-in on the extra Christmas pounds for me.  K was telling me that the average weight someone gains over the holidays is 6 pounds...eeekkkk.  And then went on to tell me that if I gain anything she will lock me in a room for a week and I will live on lettuce and celery(maybe I could get some peanut butter on the celery) as life around here may lead me into temptation.   She also told me that getting my wisdom teeth pulled on Tuesday is perfect timing...I think she is the only person on the planet who thinks that. Her words...'great you can have protein shakes'....yummy.

Friday, 16 December 2011

Oh Christmas Time, Oh Christmas time

Holiday Health Tips

• Instead of a cup of eggnog, how's about a cup of eggnot?


When you make holiday cookies, throw a couple of stink bugs in the batter. They won't be so tempting if you're scared you'll get a stinkbug cookie.

• To curb cravings, gnaw on a pine cone.

• To get it out of your system, go to Starbucks and order a venti Gingerbread Peppermint Mocha cinnamon eggnog latte. Whoa... That's actually pretty good!


Limiting yourself to one piece of gingerbread doesn't make it okay to eat an entire gingerbread house.

• FDA does not - I repeat does NOT - recommend that you get four to six servings of fruitcake each day.


Speed carol.

• At holiday parties, ask hostess to please hide all delicious food out of your sight.

• Holiday stress often leads to overeating, so consider slipping into a coma for the month of December.

• On January 1, lots of folks are going to be joining gyms and clogging up the works before they quit after 2 or 3 weeks, so my advice to you is to go ahead and join a gym now so you it won't be so crowded for the 2 or 3 weeks you use it before you quit.


Jingle all the way (or at least as much of the way as you are able). 
Thank-you Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit

Tuesday, 6 December 2011


There were tears at the gym today...happy tears. Weird I know, but here's the story.  When we got married LB and I got matching titanium wedding bands, which means they cannot be sized, not a problem as I never planned on gaining any weight.  So about 3 years ago and 40  pounds later my ring came off, for good.  I wore it around my neck sometimes, but it just wasn't the same, got a cheap silver replacement but wasn't the same.  Our wedding day was perfect and I love what the rings represent, so to lose the ability to wear the ring was hard.  I also was too sentimental to get a replacement ring, also always wanted to lose the weight.  So for the last couple months I have been taking the ring out and trying it on, hoping that it would fit. Now I have been able to shove my finger in but not get it off very easily so back in the drawer it went.  So right before the gym today I pulled out the ring and tried it on and it fit!  So when I showed K the ring I was so happy that the tears started coming. Anyways thank-you K. I will take these type of tears anytime at the gym.

Sunday, 4 December 2011

Your stronger then you think

I am reminded of this every couple weeks by my counselor, and as I have managed to get through the last couple weeks relatively unscathed it seems appropriate to remember as I head into exams this next week.  There are so many of you out there who read this blog, who I really don't know your struggle, but I promise that you are stronger then you think.    Adjusting to new babies, suffering through school, adjusting to toddler-hood, going back to work, dealing with health issues, mental health issues, watching loved ones struggle, watching children grow-up and let them make there mistakes, work stuff, losing loved ones, the list of things that we go through goes on and on, and we will make it through.  I am not sure some days how or why we find it in us to get up out of bed and do what needs to be done but we all do...some how.
This link made me cry, but this amazing 14 year old boy is doing better and is stronger then ever.  We all are stronger then we think.

Friday, 2 December 2011

Oh K

So the last few weeks with K have been killer workouts, really she has been taking great pleasure in pushing me to the max, but today takes the cake.  The first 5 exercise weren't to bad, relatively speaking but the last 5 were all the ones I hate the most, together!  Back extensions....kill me, jumping lunges....dear god no, split squat row...there are no words, the plank...shaking just thinking about it, and some weird arm ones...yuck.  Seriously I almost quite right then and there...I really did think about just leaving by the time the first sets of each exercise was over. I am so sore, so tired, and have no idea where the endorphin's went, or if they even came.  But I am a sucker for punishment, as I see her tomorrow morning, and  I thanked her for a great workout...seriously those words came out of my mouth.  I am regretting it because I am just betting she has something evil planned for tomorrow morning.  

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Millstone and Week Two Weigh In

So this weeks weight in was 167.4 so just about over 2.5 pounds in the last two weeks, not quite what I wanted marks 50 pounds lost, since March!  I honestly never really thought myself capable to loss this weight, I wanted to with all of my being, but didn't really believe that I could do it.  So I have, and I also have made another choice, that there is no more scale until the 24 of January.  I have been looking back at when the binge eating occurs and it happens after I loose weight.  Might seem weird, but not really. I am a little apprehensive of succeeding, I am in a comfort zone and to change your life(or lifestyle) is really uncomfortable. So when I get uncomfortable and apprehensive I eat.   So the next 8 weeks I am going to be free of the scale, free (hopefully) of fear and just go for the full 20 pounds lost.
With one more stressful week of school left, it should be pretty clear sailing...fingers crossed!

Sunday, 27 November 2011

A Chat About Food

So a huge part of weight loss is dietary, I am eating less calories that if I was trying to maintain my weight, somewhere around 1200 is the goal.
So for starters we have no "junk food" in the house, no snacks that are high in calories and low in nutritional value.  If LB wants it he has to eat it, and not leave it hanging around.  We have lots and lots of fruits and veggies, which lucky for me I love, so there is no hardship there.
We only shop on the outside perimeter of the grocery store, expect to buy cereal and some types of beans, and sauces.
We mostly eat a vegetarian diet, that is still protein rich as when you are doing strength training and building muscle mass  you need to have proteins, so lots of beans and veggie meat. We still try and eat meat once a week, if we go any longer then a week I start craving it.
Everything I put in my mouth I try to make sure it is doing something good for my body.  Before we go out somewhere I will read over the menu, and think about what I want to eat, so I avoid sitting in the restaurant feeling so hungry that I may make a decision I regret later.
Carbs are my friend, just in moderation.
Water is my best friend when it comes to dieting...
That's about all I know when it comes to food, it's working, slowly and surely....

Friday, 25 November 2011

Killed by KettleBall Part 2

Today's workout with K was amazingly hard! But it was such a good workout, and it lifted the blues that I'd been feeling for the last little while.  Got pumped full of endorphin's and managed to even have a clear enough head to finish the paper I'd been working on for the last week.  The the one thing about depression that I feel isn't talked about enough, is the ever lasting fog that a person can get in.  It's bad enough when you are feeling blue, but to not be able to think clearly on top is just horrible.  In the depths of my depression I couldn't even read a book, and that just about did me in. I love reading, love love love it. So to have it taken away was pretty hard, I did find that audio books helped.  I have no idea how many times in the last 5 years I have listen to the Harry Potter series, probably close to 5 times, and some of the books this day Jim Dale(the reader) voice is like honey and makes me fall asleep.
So I am hoping that this minor depressive slump has lifted, at least until after exams....!

Thursday, 24 November 2011

The next step.

I always thought that getting started was the hardest step to take, but I am realizing that the hardest step is the next step.  Nothing magically gets easier, and some days are just plain hard.  I was asking K if it gets easier to work out, and she said no. Physical health being what she is in school for, and what her whole career will one day revolve around, she still doesn't always have good days, and sometimes still skips the gym.  I am glad to know that it's not just me, who feels that way.  Anyways, today is a hard step but it is the next step, and it must be taken.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011


Sometimes this journey feels like it's one step forward and two steps backwards.  Today was two or maybe three steps backwards.  A couple chocolate bars, some chips and a box of KD...seriously not to happy with my self right now. I can blame it on the large amount of stress I am under, but the truth of the matter is it just happened and in the moment I didn't care, about the diet, about anything, just fixated on the food that I was craving.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011


Just wondering if there is anyone out there who is looking to loose some weight, or has recently lost some weight that would like to share? You could write as a guest blogger to share your story.
School is so crazy right now, that this blog is getting a little neglected.  My workouts are not getting neglected thought so that's good.  Going to the gym seems to be the only thing that 100% takes my mind off the papers I am writing and everything else that goes on.
K had an awesome work out for me today, when I left I was drenched with sweat, and can barely my arms to even type.  Since I have worked up to about 15 reps per set, K decided instead of adding we would just do the exercise really slow, and make sure that every muscle was engaging in the exercise that was supposed to.  Well it worked, big time!

Monday, 21 November 2011


So I am incredibly hard on myself, and about .5 a pound or maybe .7 short of  2 pounds lost this week.  AND IT'S KILLING ME....(we wont even talk about my reaction to the Bt I got on my last exam). I have done extremely well with eating, other then last nights small piece of rice pudding and ice cream.  Gone to the gym 6 of 7 days, had killer work outs, I am still sore Monday from Friday's and Saturday's workouts, especially my legs.  Yes I know that I need to not be so hard on myself, but it has brought me success in the past, and the lure of success is what pushes me.  I also worry that after years of having no motivation, we are talking about spending hours to try and get into the shower, that if I don't have high standards for myself that's where I'll end up again.   So I end up fretting about B's and half pounds, which is not where I want to be either.  So I need to be gracious towards myself, word of the week!

Friday, 18 November 2011

20 X10

So last week LB challenged me to really get the next 20 pounds off quickly. His thought was something along the lines of when you look back in January you can be happy about what you've accomplished or you can wish you had done more.  So after a couple days of thinking about and talking with K we picked a time of 10 weeks.  That's 2 pounds a week, I haven't do that in a while but she thinks if I focus it can be done.  So here is goes, well it started Tuesday, weight  169 goal 149! So by January 24th I plan on being 149 pounds, it pretty crazy to think about, but it is the perfect time.
For most people Christmas can be a time of gaining weight, for me it is a time when I have no school.  That means no studying snacks, no quick meals, and time people time!
So I relies that it will be a little bit harder, it will just mean making better choices.  I don't need to or plan to have holiday goodies in the house, and for Christmas time get together's staying away from the excess, the second helping, drinks, dessert, etc.
I am hoping to get through the next 3.5 weeks unscathed, as I am up to my eyeballs in papers, and right now there is no end in sight for them to be done and a bunch of looming deal lines.....

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Thank goodness we wear clothes

So this past week I went shopping for a dress to wear to LB's Christmas party in a month.  I am starting to feel like I look really good dressed, was trying on size 8's and they were a tiny tiny bit snug but knowing they would fit perfectly in 4 weeks.  The problem was the florescent lights and full length mirrors, and standing in bra and underwear, did nothing for my self-esteem.  I have lost almost 50 pounds, 3 pounds shy right now, and I have a lot of baggy skin.  And there is nothing I can do about it right now, except weight training and toning. It is in my upper arms, tummy and especially my thighs.  It's just hanging there, and didn't really bother me until standing under those lights and seeing my self in all my glory...yikes.  Needless to say I went home empty handed and began research on how to get rid of this skin, naturally.
I got deviled eggs with cayenne pepper, fancy skin creams and oils, bath soaks, and a whole lot other kinda weird facts.  There was a couple good ones thought, like heavy exfoliating to get old skin off and promote healthier tighter skin, and hand lotion to help firm up skin.
I think the best and most realistic thing is time, I am young and healthy and I feel that my body will take care of itself.  I may always have some extra skin, but not like what I have right now.  So the word of the week is patience, with myself,  my body and weight loss. 

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

This Weeks Goal

I want to be this tired after every workout, push myself to the limits. Come home weary and exhausted. Knowing I've given everything I've got.    I also would be happy if my body looked like this!

Monday, 7 November 2011


So this is the latest picture of me.  I have some more definition in my face, and waist.  I am struggling with my legs right now as I really want to wear boots, however it isn't happening.  I don't know what it is called but when I get my boots on I have a ?muffin top?, and looks like I have stuffed my legs in and the fat is pouring over the top of the poor boots.  Everything thing I have read tells me to keep doing what I am doing, running and the elliptical machine, and to stay off the stair climber.  So the plan is to keep on keeping on what I am doing, as it has worked this far!
I am back to the 170-169, so I am back to were I was and it is feeling good.

Sunday, 6 November 2011

The Burpee

Well this last week I was introduced to the burpee.  And it sucked.

As mentioned before I am highly uncoordinated, and the idea of cardio and push-ups at the same time is distressing.   I had seen other trainers do it and was so glad K never made me do it...haha I swear just when I think the worst is over she throws something harder and something I like even less.
We also spent some time doing sprints and for the first time I was running at a 7 with an incline....and I was running, really running.  Like a bear was chasing me running.  It was quite the workout!  I am secretly glad that K is gone for a week to Vegas, because after that workout I wasn't very happy, and I think space is good for every relationship....


That would be LB, I am particularly grateful for him this week.  He has shown me that what I know/knew didn't have to be the way I am/was. Right from the moment we met he challenged what I knew and what I believed, forced me to look inward and examine myself. In turn as I have changed, changed a lot and for the better.  I have been able to do the same for him.  We question what we believe and what we think is right, to see if there is something better, or a way to improve our life.  And if we don't know, we are okay with that and do some digging to find out.

I am glad that school has taught me what I've always innately believed to be true, that we are fully capable of change. We do not have to be the people we were 5 years ago, and we do not have to be what we've always seen, or do what we know.  CC my counselor always tells me, If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

I AM NOT okay with doing what I've always done, or getting what I've always got.  If I was I would be still force feeding myself Cheetos 
I AM NOT okay with standing still watching the world change and evolve around me.  I believe in taking responsibility for my life, for my future and creating something better.
I AM NOT okay with things that are happening everyday in our society.
I AM NOT okay being treated poorly or treating others poorly.
So I am going to change those things.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Pet Peeve

Something that gets my goat, is weight loss "stuff", mostly because always a little piece of me gets a little excited that maybe I could sit around eat what I want and have a rocking body.
Something I've seen around lately are pants that make you lose weight.  Okay, so they are workout pants and chances are if you go to the gym or for a run while wearing the pants might just lose weight.  Same with running shoes that help you loss extra weight, again if you are putting them on and go for a walk might just lose weight.  But if  you are wearing the pants and the shoes, eating some McDonald's, chances are you are not losing weight but gaining some weigh.
The reebok toning shoes actually are having to pay out 25 million because they made false claims.  Unlike other companies they made actually numerical claims of what their shoes can do, so chances are the other ones aren't working either.
I have be a consumer of weight loss pills, and they all come with an eating guide....also known as a diet.  Hmmmm I wonder what is working. Some of those pills are glorified laxatives, others help release water weight but really don't you think if something really really worked, everyone would be on it, doctors would hand it out like candy.
I wish that I could ignore these things but every time they suck me in just a little bit.  Oh for a magic formula, oh wait there is one, exercise and healthy eating.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

The Fat of the Matter

is I've been having a hard go of it, I gained 3-4 pounds when LB was away, as I was dealing(poorly) with some issues.  Being my own worst critic I didn't feel that I could blog about the weight gain.  I gained every pound all by myself with some help from Hauzgen Daz, Delisso and Dairy Queen, we had a pity party for a couple nights.  I am slowly getting back on track.  When you have trouble with food and use it for comfort and haven't dealt with the issue at hand well there are a few slips on the road to recovery.  I was going to the gym and still am, but a quart of ice cream will add those pounds.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Keep On Going

Never mind the music video, or that it's country, it's today's theme song

Working it out

I've had a rough couple days. I always really try to be honest on the blog, so I just haven't been able to write, as I haven't been able to be honest with myself.
Depression is like a hole, that once you get down in it, it is very hard to get out of.  And truthfully sometimes it feels safer to stay down there then confront yourself with your feeling and dealing with the problem.  The last couple days have been spent in bed, I got to the gym Tuesday but not yesterday, and have eaten way to much food.  Probably gained a pound and maybe two.
So I have promised myself that I will get out of my hole today no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel, because it is where I want to be.
So today's plan:
Tidy the house, get to the gym, finish one assignment, go shopping for fabric to make a quilt for my new nephew, eat supper healthy, and most importantly allow myself permission to feel, feel sad, to cry and to laugh feel happy, just feel.

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Killer K

Yesterday's working is still killing me.  We did some strength training then moved onto a spin class brought to you by the letter K.  I hate every second of that 15 minute and 20ish second workout. EVERY SECOND.  I will not be joining spin class anytime soon.  I was gasping and panting and wheezing the whole time.  My legs felt like jelly, and K was doing the workout beside me and didn't break a sweat, she was chatting the whole time. Meanwhile I was drenched, sweat pouring down my face into my eyes, could barely breath let alone say any thing that would be understood.  When it was all over she was so excited that she remembered the bikes and couldn't wait to do it again....

Friday, 21 October 2011

Oh Baby

I was reminded this week how much I want a kid, by a friend from school who told someone that there is nothing I want more.  I was a little taken aback, and then decided to look at how they got to that conclusion. Well almost every paper I have written in school has been about children is some way, shape or form.  From being a working mother, depression with children, effects of watching TV on toddlers, postpartum depression, and to the current paper that is floating around in my head the transition into motherhood. Then I went into my study and saw the multiple baby books on my shelf, from baby names, what to expect when your expecting, baby proofing your marriage, parenting from the inside out, child honoring, healing the child within, and kids are wonderful...I have read most of them, some of them a few times.  Then I remembered the long list of baby names I have hidden away and that right this moment I have a name for both a boy and a girl, that LB and I both agree on.  I have been cleared months ago by a specialist to have children in my mental state and with the medication I am on.   I know how I am going to decorate the nursery, I sort of have a birthing plan, I have ideas on how I am going to raise my future child, yes I am going to try and breast feed and for how long, I know the arguments for cloth and disposable diapers, I have researched strollers...
But it is what I think about constantly.  So this lead to a stay in bed and have a cry type of day yesterday, that included watching every TV show that had kids in it.  Parenthood, Up All Night, Criminal Minds, Law and Order SVU....just to see them.  Maybe it's because in 4 days I will have another niece or nephew?  Maybe it's because many of my friends facebook pictures are of their beautiful children?  Or maybe because I know I can't/wont have one right now?
So I turned to the one thing that I always turn to for  I held off until talking to LB and decided that I was very close to a binge, and I should have a controlled treat.  So off to get a cheese burger I went, and a single brownie, at 9pm.  I try so hard not to eat late, but last night it was needed and a good idea.  Yes it was probably about a 1000 calories that I will have to work off over the next couple days, but I was not surrounded by bags of food, and sick.  There were no fries, no pop, no pan of brownies, it was just a late unhealthy supper.  I am glad I did it though, because here I am this morning, no guilt (which leads to more eating in my case) and satisfied that I got a treat, and willing to work it off today with K.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Yes Success

Stepped on the scale 169.6....goodbye obesity.  This is the formal goodbye you are never welcome back in my life again.  I have changed the locks, your not coming back ever!  I will spend the rest of my life in the gym and eating healthy to make sure your not coming back!! Get the picture you are not welcome! GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE!
Happy dance, and off to the gym!

Wednesday, 19 October 2011


Well the next two weeks LB is away, so there goes my biggest supporter and cheerleader.  I just have to look at this as a great opportunity to focus on myself and be selfish about my diet and exercise.  I have decided to bump up the intensity of my workouts with K, up to three times a week again. This past week I have been sick and have managed to get to the gym, the workouts were a bit weak, and Monday's workout with K just about killed me.  She found a new abdominal exercise from her cousin who is on the Canadian synchro swim time, gosh it sucks!  And I wish her cousin kept the exercise to herself, K even had a hard time doing it....

Monday, 17 October 2011

Perfect Night for a Walk

It is a beautiful fall evening, just got in from an amazing walk that was a delight to the senses!  Some how my dogs got the message and walked like perfection, temperature was cool but not too cool.  Leaves are perfect, still crisp and changing color, kids laughing playing soccer, the smell of cut grass and of a wood fire! All I needed was LB...but alas he is away, so I will just have to savor the fall nights for the two of us.

Sunday, 16 October 2011

This is an amazing story of a 100 year old man running a marathon today in Toronto.  First of all anyone no matter what age your at, whoever runs a marathon to me is amazing! 42km is crazy! I'm lucky to get in 5km, and next spring want to run 10km.  The dedication and mental power one has to have to run one of these is just mind blowing to me.  Considering it takes every bit of my mental power and dedication to get to the gym for an hour a day...yikes!  Let alone to be 100 years of age!  I would love to run a marathon someday, as it is on my bucket list, I know that i'm a ways off, but if this doesn't encourage me to do it I don't know what will.
GO Frauja GO! Wishing you all the best today and hoping that you succeed in your goals today!

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Week Recap

Very glad that it's the weekend! It is a week I could have done without.  The bad, eating cereal for two meals a day for three days, K canceling Tuesdays appointment, me getting sick and canceling Friday's appointment, not getting to the gym enough. The good, finally getting around to watching the first episode of the biggest loser this season, and crying through the whole thing and getting motivated again.
I felt that I have gotten a little lost in school work and not spending the time reflecting and getting motivated to keep going.  I am hoping that the motivation and passion I feel right now will continue on and get me to finish this.  169 is still the goal and I will be so happy to reach it, I am so so so close.

                                                          I CAN DO IT!

Thursday, 13 October 2011


What do you do when someone makes you so uncomfortable about who you are?  Usually I just don't care and don't allow them in my life.  This time it is not so easy.  I have a prof who doesn't seem to believe that mental illness exists.  He has brought up the "lack of biological evidence" of mental illness, and how medication doesn't help in fact it makes the problem worse.  He did bring up that talk therapy is a good first line in dealing with some mental illness which for some people is very helpful.
To make matter worse, I have to have him next term, that is 6 and a half months left of him.
He is the only Social Work prof at the school.  I know that I am particularly sensitive to this issue, however we are going into a profession where we will be helping people who may or may not have mental illnesses, and  I do not think teaching that it may not exist is the right way to go about it.  (I have talked to others in the class who are also upset about this).
I know that there are these thought and beliefs out there, and that is fine with me, as I have run into them before, there is just a time and a place to discuss them.  
So off to class, debate section of class today, I am praying that I keep my mouth shut or at least my words civil.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011


Still not a 169, 3 more pounds to go. I have post it's all over the house reminding me.  Let's get it done.  Once I loss the 3 pounds I will be considered overweight and not obese (according to the BMI).  And you know what I'll take it, overweight here I come, goodbye obesity 

Sunday, 9 October 2011


All week I've trying to make a mental list of things that I am thankful for, especially after the week I had it is easy for me to get discouraged and feeling sorry for myself. 
1) LB! How did I ever get so lucky to have such an amazing husband?  He has been my biggest support, and never made me ever ever feel bad for what I was going through and in turn putting him through.  Anything I need(ed) he has made sure to do everything in his power to make it happen. 
2) Ringo and Lily!  
3) Friends...I really am so thankful for all the amazing friends I have. 
4) K...yes I am really thankful for her, I signed up Friday for a YEAR of training! 
5) Family, both mine and LB's.
6) Rough times and personal growth, (it comes hand in hand)
7) Finding my passion again, and school as they are one in the same.  I cannot wait to be a Social Worker.
8) Nellie, she shares her joy with everyone around her and it is contagious. 
9) 45ish pounds lost.
10) The day I decided enough was enough and started losing weight...I am so so so grateful for that day. 
11) All the support and encouragement I have received from everyone reading my blog thank you so much! 
I hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving, I totally enjoyed every single bite...there were a lot of bites!

Friday, 7 October 2011


I went through all my clothes and am getting rid of a bunch! It feels really really good, there was some serious apprehension and anxiety at first, but now a lot of relief.  When I started this journey I made a promise to myself that there would be no hanging on to the past, including clothing.  I never want to make it easy to gain weight again, so the plan is once it doesn't fit it is gone.  It has been a harder promise to keep then I thought, I was so worried my closet would be empty and then feeling like I don't have anything to wear, so finding that box of clothing on Sunday was a godsend. I had cleaned the closet out on Saturday (when I was supposed to be studying) left the pile on my dresser for a couple days, then moved it to another room and decided yesterday that today would be the day to get rid of it!  It's all about the baby steps.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011


LB finally got his designation!  We were not expecting it for a couple months....Yahhh!  I am so proud of him!

Horrible no good very bad day

Yesterday was a very bad day.  It started late Sunday night with a phone call letting me know, a wonderful amazing women had passed away, she was affectionately called Gramma, and lost her battle to breast cancer.  I to make a few calls the next morning to let some others know of her passing, not the way you want to start your morning.  Needless to say I was running behind and LB offered to drive me to school, and I nearly bit his head off, as he was messing with my routine, he than said you seem rather stressed and a drive would get me there for my exam before biking would.   I got to the exam early the door was locked and I started psyching myself out, that I was in the wrong place, wrong class, and I didn't study hard enough.   Exam was a little harder than I thought it would be.  Other little things kept going wrong and fast forward to my walk home.   Three blocks from home and I had a major panic attack...I've only had one or two major panic attacks before.  What makes it major is; apart from the shakes, troubled breaking, sweating, minor disorientation (from lack of oxygen) is that I lose control of my bladder and bowels.  So three blocks takes about 20 or so minutes, or maybe it just felt like it to get home.  By the time I am home I am a mess, so out of it, (felt like I was drunk).  After panic attacks like that, it is medication time and bed, to try and sleep off the after effects.  The effects of a bad panic attack can be felt for a day or so afterward.  My body is so tense, like it is stuck in the moment of fight or flight, like I am standing at a race line waiting for the gun to go off, every muscle ready to take action.   I am so glad for a new day...and that yesterday was yesterday.

                                             Good old Monty Python 

Sunday, 2 October 2011

I HAVE to Post!

Okay so I said no posting until Friday, and I really only have a few hours left to study before tomorrow's exam but I just got LB to dig out an old box of clothes that I packed up over a year age....and I have clothes that fit, with numbers on the tag! I haven't had many numbers on my clothes in a while, only  XL'S and currently some L'S and now numbers.  Happy dance happy dance!  And some of those numbers are single digits.  I am so happy I could do a back flip....I was thinking the clothes might fit toward the end of the month or sometime in November but most of them fit now.....I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT!

Now back to studying.....

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Exam Week=Hiatus

No more blogging back on next Friday....have a good week enjoy it for me.

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Weightier Matters

I have been sitting around 175-174 for a while, 177 was 40 pounds lost and since then it has been baby steps, in terms of losing.  I have been a little frustrated with my progress and that leads to "I don't care" eating.  Not that I have been bad, it's just been "well I'm not losing anyway so what's a granola bar?"....not a big deal just not on the diet.  K said it will come off, just keep with the program, and I believe her, I just want some results on the scale sometime soon.  The other thing that could be part of the slower weight, is my cardio has been changed, according to K I am no longer working hard enough (yes I am burning calories), it's just leaving my fitness level where I have been for the last 3 or 4 months.   So I have kicked up the cardio and couple notches and am unable to go for as long and burn as many calories, but I sure am working hard.  I have to remember that it is okay and I have lots to be proud of this far, and I am adjusting to school on top of an extremely busy and hectic life.  
However all that aside I am going to go into full gear with the diet firmly back on track and exercise and try and loss about 4 pounds in 11 days, I really really want to get down to 169.  I have it written on my hand for a reminder when I go to open the fridge.   Here it goes!

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Good Good Weekend Fun

It's been very busy last two days, and they have been great days.  Friday I mentioned I had a killer workout with K, and am still suffering the consequences from that, I also had an award ceremony at Camosun for a paper I wrote last term, and a much needed girls night out.  Then Saturday I tried really hard to get some studying done, with not much luck.  I had another great workout at the gym, then went kayaking with a bunch of friends, then a game of ultimate I am so so sore today.  All I can say to top of Saturday night I had a small slice of yummy chocolate cake and ice cream guilt free! After all that exercise I deserved it!
Very thankful today for wonderful friend and family I truly feel blessed.  

Friday, 23 September 2011

The Game that wasn't FUN

So my workout with K this am started like this:  K-"we are going to play a game today and I don't know if you'll like it".  So here is the game, you have one minute to do as many of the exercisers as you can,( push ups, squat presses, lunges, etc.) Then after you are done all the exercises once you have to do then twice more and beat what you have done the previous time.
I HATED that game.  I went out giving it everything I had and by the second go round I was spent and buy the third time I was ready to crawl out the door in protest.  I have never done more then 10 push ups in a row, so to get to 20 by the last round, my arms were like jello, and I kept falling, it was a mess and there were 6 or 7 other exercises equally messy.  I think that it honestly was the hardest work out yet, it was brutal and I hope to the heavens I never have to play that game again, or if I do cheat a little at the beginning and not be such a keener. Geesh!


This last week I have had a lot of people compliment and notice my weight loss, and I really have had appreciate it. So thank you.
It has been a long couple weeks with no weight loss.  So all the encouragement came at the right time.

Monday, 19 September 2011

Food For Thought

So this weekend was full of wonderful visits and of course great food.  Food and friendship go hand in hand. It is go ingrained in our culture, that when we socialize we EAT.  The only person I know who doesn't like this is LB, he is always so busy, and wishes food could come in a little pill for convince, most of the time anyways.
We started the weekend going to a dessert potluck, when I told K she was not impressed with my plans, and asked me why I was even bothering to go! I managed to do well, I made up two big plates of fresh fruit, which i enjoyed along with a cookie.  But man oh man you should have seen the spread, it was pretty hard to leave it be, and two days later I was still thinking about it.  Than a girls spa night, with baking from Monica I knew it was coming so I went to the gym twice on Saturday knowing I wouldn't be able to say no to what ever wonder she made.  It turn out to be vanilla bean cupcakes, and she made minis!!  Sunday we were out for supper and lunch and thankfully it was healthy hearty homemade meals and managed to eat the healthy and say no to the extras, like juice, dessert, ect.
Our culture is not the only one that revolves around food, in the Trobriand Islands, when a male and female sit down to eat together they are then considered married.

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Gym Pet Peeve

I had a great work out with K yesterday, and slowly feel like I am getting back on track, with school, dieting, and managing my life.
So I have mentioned before that I am incredibly uncoordinated, and yesterday K had me do what I think to be an exercise that does not work with awkward people like myself.  I had to squat, no big problem, than from the squat position jump on to a half ball and stick the landing so I don't go falling in to workout machines....seriously I was so worried about bailing the whole time, forget about feeling the burning sensation in my quads.
So at my gym there are TV's everywhere, awesome I love that, except for the people who watch food shows.  I have a hard enough time when a Reese pieces peanut butter cup commercial comes on for 90 seconds, not to jump off my machine and run down stairs and grab one.  Let alone what a hour long show, with cakes, cookies, cheeses, breads, pastas, or whatever else is cookin, without going home and cooking up something fabulous and not diet friendly.  It drives me crazy, even if I am not watching it, it always catches my eye, and end up feeling hungry.  So I need to know whats up with food shows while at the gym?

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Eat Pray Love Hate

I had a really hard time with this book.  Especially the eat section, it hit really too close to home, she suffered from depression and too much of what she wrote made me feel naked and vulnerable.  I try to be honest with what I go through with depression but after reading this book I realized that I am not as honest as I thought.  I spent many nights on the bathroom floor crying, trying not to wake LB, our marriage was not in any trouble I just hated watching him feel helpless and when he would ask what he could do there was nothing I could ever say, which would make the two of us feel even worse.  I struggled with wanting and not wanting to take medication. Growing up medication was not the answer and certainly not a cure in my family, even my grandfather in stage four cancer felt no need for western traditional medication and choose an alternative route which ended up giving him a peaceful end. And so many internal battles were waged until I made peace with the fact that I may have to always take medication, I still struggle everyday to take my medication. I look at the pills and make myself swallow them because I know that my life has improved immensely and I cannot afford to not take them.  I had a very similar cry for help, calling and begging a wonderful women to help me, to save me because I didn't think I could live like this much longer, without serious long term harm coming to myself.  And luckily for me I called the right person at the right time and got some much needed help, as I had reached out before and turned away.
I think it is worth the read just for the picture of desperation Elizabeth paints in her suffering of depression, the rest of the book is much lighter and carefree, and the movie I've been told has little to do with her depression.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011


Just in case you thought I was ever exaggerating when it comes to K's workouts...I'm not this is what my clothes look like when I leave......................................................................YUCK

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Weekend Shenanigans

This is what should have happened this weekend and didn't...well LB is napping right now.  He's a little tired and I wish that is what I was doing but I've got reading to do.
Friday night was dinner out with friends of LB who are writing the UFE the big exam he wrote last year.  Gosh I am glad that is over, yuck and yuck that was not a fun week for me, stressing and trying to pretend I wasn't stressed for LB's sake who really was stressed. I wasn't any good at pretending.  I also managed to get to the gym after we had contractors here at the house all morning and ended up working out an extra 1/2 hour.  Doesn't seem like a lot, but it sure is to me.  
Saturday morning was another epic ride, not as epic as last week.  Here are the numbers 45km, 2 hrs and 15 minutes total to Sidney and back on the bike. It is a beautiful ride, along farms, forest and beside the ocean.  We live in the most amazing place.  We should have done this bike trip last week, honestly what was I even thinking trying to start out biking 80km.  I spent the rest of the day reading(and not the fun book kind...the textbook kind) and limping around the house.  This weeks ride was over all harder on me than last weeks ride.  I think it is because there really was only 5 days in between and my body hadn't really gotten over Mondays ride.  Anyways I still would like to get another ride in like that next weekend.
This morning we went hiking, just under 2 hours from our place to the top of Mt Doug and back.  Yep up by 7 to get that done before much for sleeping in.  It again was a beautiful day that made me feel so grateful to being living here in Victoria and able to get out and about.
But what made my morning(and weekend) was hearing that Kienan the kidnapped child was returned, happy dance all around!  The whole thing seems a little weird to me and I'm sure that more details will come out, I am just so glad he is safe, and I hope that his mental health will be looked after in the coming days.

Friday, 9 September 2011

At War

So I haven't talked about the last binge, I have been doing okay since than but my diet has pretty much gone up in smoke.
I want to keep dieting, I need to keep dieting, I just don't know what has happened to my will power.  It's been heading down hill since the second week in August, just a little treat here and there, which is fine if it is once in a while, but not daily.  And in the last week...poof gone.  I am not quite sure where to go from here.  I have the best intentions, but the ice cream in the freezer wants me to have a little taste, and the burger at the restaurant wants me to order fries with that. I have 12 pounds to lose by the end of the month. That is 20 days away, not a lot of time left.
I hope to figure something out this weekend, a meal plan, some sort of motivation to get back on track.  

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Much needed break day

So K did not take it easy on me yesterday, two different types of lunges, one of them were jumping lunges and step ups.  I gave 100% and ended up in a rough go of it later that night.  I should have slowed down when I fell doing step ups and nearly landed on K, but I kept going.  By the time I was done I could barely move and was so tired, to tired to make anything much for dinner so had a bowl of cereal. I paid for it dearly as my legs gave out trying to get up the stairs and fell and tweaked a few things including my pride.  So never again will I got on a giant bike ride to have K work me out the next day, lesson learned.  See already in school two days and learning lots!

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

All about the bike

So today is the first day back and I biked to school for a 8:30 class.  I hope to commute to school biking it is 15 minutes and a bit hilly but nothing I can't do.  So i get to class and am waiting only one other person turns up and we are waiting and waiting, finally a third person comes by for a 9 class and we asked her wait class and turns out the two of us are waiting for our Monday class, needless to say I don't have to be at class until 1, so I turn around not excited to bike back(more on that in a minute) as every time I get on the bike my whole body wants to weep. Oh well I guess I get to relax a bit this am.
Sunday was our hike morning again, it was nice and relaxing, got a bit lost as we hiked up a slightly harder portion of Mt. Doug than before, rush home shower and go to the wrong church group that morning come home and LB finishes laying tile!!! Wow I am ever happy about that, and our kitchen is looking B E A U tiful! I get a sink on Saturday! We had Q (from Queasy) and dog Pavlov over for dinner, the boys went back to work on Q's house so we could do our bike ride to the Sooke Potholes.
So yesterday me, LB, and Q&Z went for a very long bike ride is why I wanted to weep at the thought of biking again to school for the 2nd time today.  My body would be happy to never ever see a bike again.
After one broken chain, and swollen earlobe(thank you wasp) sore legs, knees, bums, shoulders, sweaty backs we arrived. Tired and a wee bit hungry.  We managed to stumble down to the pot holes and just sat, not much was said, except that we would bus home.  I am very grateful today that we did, I was a little resistant at first, as I was set on biking home and nothing would change my mind.  But so so so glad for the wisdom of everyone else, as I was waiting for the bus I realized there would have ended up with a tantrum on the trial and probably still be sitting there.  There is no way I would have made it home with out a break down and that would have wreaked the whole day.
We ended the lovely tiring day at Pink Bicycle for a wonderful dinner and conversation.  I think it was about 3000 calories  Except for the part when I stepped on the scale and gained two pounds. LB figures it is my body going into survival mode and holding on to water....I hope he is right.
So K please no squats, lunges, hamstring curls or step ups today please please please.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

Friday, 2 September 2011

Mini Vacation Recap

So I am back, we left Saturday morning made it Ikea bright and early to return some damaged and not needed kitchen units, and than arrived in Kelowna then went straight to the gym.  Yes that's right I went to the gym...on vacation(insert sad face here).
The next morning we were up bright and early to go to Castlegar, about four hours of driving and we got to meet my new little cousin.  Well he is 11 months old, we just hadn't gotten a chance to see him and his wonderful family in over a year.  And oh boy did I ever fall in love with this guy.

                                                           Ryler Sydney Dodds Baker!
Sunday was the only day I didn't go to the gym as I hadn't had a rest day that week and there wasn't a lot of time when we were in the car for eight hours! I spent the afternoon at the beach, for the first time this summer and Landon went mountain biking.  I must say that I am more self conscious  in a bathing suit now than I was 39 pounds ago....yes only one more to lose and I will be at 40!  I think it is because I am becoming so much more aware of my body than I was before.

Monday and Tuesday consisted of some super super crazy time at the gym. As I knew I wanted to eat some favorite treats while in Kelly O'Brian's Pachos.  So I did the treadmill on a crazy incline and found out that when the calorie counter hits 999.9 it goes back to one, yes those two days I burned over a 1000 calories, I have never gone over 800 and usually am around 650-700, so I really enjoyed those pachos.
We also went hiking on Tuesday another 500 calories, by the time I was done every joint and muscle was so and still is today.
Ringo and Lily had the best time, running through the high grass( it was burnt a couple years ago so not a lot of trees and more of a giant bush), and swimming.  The next day not so much and we got to sit in the car back at was way to hot to leave them by themselves and I was in the middle of a good book (Eat, Pray, Love) and volunteered.  Came home and went straight to the gym to do my last set of strength training exercises before meeting up with K today.
                                                 Also last night I got to see this one!

My baby sister who looked like this when I was her age! She has moved back home and going to school.  So for the first time since I was in grade 7 and she was in kindergarten we will be in school together! See you around campus!
Off to see K after 2 weeks going at it alone, I have been weighting myself and I am two pounds short but I am going to try and not dwell on it and see that crazy life and a bad few days of binge eating get in the way.
So happy September everyone, my blogging will probably go down to 3 times a week with school happening.   And I have a pretty high goals, I want to leave with a better GPA than LB...boy is he smart, I have a lot of work to do, I did really well last year, so just need to keep it up.

Saturday, 27 August 2011

Month 2

So I cannot figure out how to put pictures beside one another. So the top and bottom  are today's pictures with month 1 in the middle.  I am going to find out how to do this sooner or later.

Progress seems slow, but it is there none the less. I have finally got to below 180, I had been stuck there for about a week, due to my bad eating.  So hello 179.2 and good by 180's I never want to see you again...ever.

Friday, 26 August 2011


              August is a great month for us, we got married, 6 years ago today
  Brought Ringo home 4 years ago (he still lays like this just takes up way more space)
                Brought Lily home 2 years ago on our wedding anniversary
Hmmm, 2 years between each dog, maybe time for another one.....just kidding LB if you are reading this.

This august has been a bit of a roller coaster, not all things have gone as planned and a few bumps and bruises arose, but there have been a lot of learning.  A what is life with out learning and growth?  Stagnant, and that is something I never want to be.  
My working our sans K, have been going really well.  I find that when I am counting each rep, I am able to force myself to do just one more, and well lets just get another two done, until I finished the set without stopping.  This is a great tool to add when working out with K, I will continue to count and than know how many are ahead and blast through each set, with a just one more attitude.  It's also been good to realize that I am capable of strength training by myself, because in a month from now my training with K is up.  We haven't made a decision if I will keep training with her, as it is really expensive.  Our tentative plan is to start working out alone until the new year, and hopefully I will be towards the end of the weight loss journey and she can help with the last 10 or 20 pounds.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Oh Dear

So I feel embarrassed and ashamed but I really binged yesterday.  Like really bad.  Glad today is a new day.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

All by myself

So yesterday was my first strength training session sans K.  It went really well, way better than I imagined in my head.  In my head it was a disaster, not being able to remember what each of the exercise were, cheating by stopping during the reps if it got to hard, all kind of things.  I remembered each of the exercises except for the split-squat-row, so I went out to ask the front desk if they knew what it was, and they didn't know but pointed to the machine that was called the row, and as soon as I picked up the weights my body did the rest...good old muscle memory.
On a side note I love these final words from Jack Layton.
My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.
These words cross political boundaries, cultural boundaries, socioeconomic boundaries, and any other boundary I can think of.  They are a wonderful, gentle, and kind reminder of the role we play in our world, and our future. 
                                        Be the change you want to see in the world 
                                                            Mahatma Gandhi   

Monday, 22 August 2011

Small to Large

So as my clothes start to get too small, my large and extra large clothes I have to start thinking about getting new clothes, especially before school starts, seeing as I wore my jeans the other night I had to keep pulling them up.
I have very little clothes in the medium zone, as that was when I was the most depressed and lived in pj's and landon's sweatpants. Literally I have no pants from size 6-14.   I have clothes for certain occasions, like my grandfather's funeral, and our trip to Thailand, but not much else. So I am trying to decide when I should buy new jeans, I very much am a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl, and having no jeans is kinda stressing me out. Yoga pants can and should only go so far.   Should I wait until I finish with K and my weight loss may slow down?...but than again I am hoping I will keep on losing.   I still will have all the tools K has shown me, and I will just have to do it on my own for a while so really there is no reason why the weight wouldn't come off.  Should I wait until right before school starts?... I plan of losing another 5-6 pounds by than, and hopefully that will come off my waist.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Getting my Grove Back

Friday was the first day that I've had a great exercise since getting sick and I was so pumped at the end.  I had been doing the same exercise all along 1 hour on the elliptical on cardio days, but really not being able to get much of a sweat on or heartbeat up, so when I could Friday, watch out.  The disgusting sweaty ashen faced me was stumbling out of the gym with my legs barely able to hold me up.  Saturday morning has been when I do a bunch of different machines and work on sprints.  So after 10 minutes rowing, 10 biking with sprint intervals, 15 minutes of running intervals, 10 minutes of the stair climber and 15 on the elliptical I was again exhausted.  This time I ended up with a flushed face, and was red for an hour afterwards.  Really the looks I rock after the gym are awesome!
Today was the best day though, I exercised outside.  Landon and I went and took the dogs for a hike bright and early, and it was so beautiful.  We hiked to Mount Doug from our house, I used to do it daily before we moved away, and the comparison of my fitness ability was noticed by L, he even felt a little pushed by me.  Mind you it was a micro push, and I was my hot work out self, sweating and not quite able to finish sentences, but it felt really good to be told that I could push him slightly.  We hope that it becomes a early Sunday morning tradition, at least while the weather is nice, as it is so nice to be able to spend some family time together doing something we both love.  And I am learning to love exercise, I never thought the day would come, but I think it is slowly creeping up....

Friday, 19 August 2011

Anger leaves no room for happiness

Resentment/bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, we heard this at our convention and I personally know this to be true.  There is a belief by certain psychologists that depression is anger turn inward, anger that has never been dealt with, and it causes the depression.  For the record depression is biological, and brain chemistry is affected, this is just one of thoughts of the reason for the change in brain chemistry.
I have spent a long time being angry about four years to be exact.  I was angry at everyone, and anyone, and after a long time I realized that anger was only hurting me.  The people I was angry with had no idea I was upset, and after a while I didn't even no why I was angry.  I truly don't have anger anymore, and the reason this is so real to me right now, is I have a person in my life who suffers from depression and addictions and is so so angry and blaming others for where they are today.  I wish that I could tell them to just stop being angry and it would help them so much.
Anger is a poison that only effects you the person who is angry.  I know that it is easier said than done, but I promise you that working out your anger will allow you to have a more fulfilling happy life.

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Off the diet wagon I went.

Oops! So here goes my confession:  Food of choice: Damn hot pepperoni and jello pudding cups, pretty much one bite of pepperoni and one bite of pudding, I feel sick even thinking about it.  I still can't believe I ate either of those.  For starters I hate pudding, and really don't like meat, but I have been craving dairy and protein.  How it happened: went grocery shopping right after a work out and while absolutely starving, I never allow my self to shop while hungry it's just a bad idea.  I started eating on the way home from the grocery store, something else I never let myself do, for me eating needs to be controlled, in a normal setting like at a table with food served out once, or else it quickly becomes uncontrolled.  So 5 pepperoni sticks later and 5 pudding cups and one giant stomach ache, guilt set in.  Did you know there is 210 calories per pepperoni stick and 110 calorie in each pudding cup= blowing the diet!  I personally would never recommend this combination of food to anyone, it creates a stomach ache like you wouldn't believe, and even worse coming out the other end.  So I am still paying for it today(sore stomach) and will pay for it for the next couple days(on the scale).
So today is a new day with a firm resolve to get back on track with my eating.  I will eat healthy!

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Cheers to a better day

Self pity leads to unplanned cookies! The last few days have been a little more difficult than normal.  I've been sick and still trying to workout, our house is going much more slowly than planned, Landon has been working crazy hours and I just plain miss the guy!
The last workout with K, I never really wrote about but she pushed me extremely hard and I am still sore this morning and I have to get ready to see her again this morning.  It will be the last time I see her for a couple weeks, as she is going on vacation and we are tentatively going away, for a much needed break from our crazy lives before school starts back up.  So guaranteed she has something extremely evil planned for this morning and my poor sick body is quivering at the thought of seeing her.  
So last night lead to two cookies, not the end of the world and for a former binge eater good even, but they were not planned and with losing weight I try and have everything planned.  Anyways guilt gets you no where, there are even studies that say you gain more weight when you are feeling guilty when eating.  I didn't read the whole journal article so I can't tell you why, good grief it's summer and in 3.5 weeks I will be up to my eyeballs in journal articles!
So cheers to a better day today!

Monday, 15 August 2011

How to make a workout even harder...

Get sick! I have been fighting a cold for a few days and woke up this am feeling much better.  I went to do my warm up and it felt like my legs were made of lead.  I could barely move, the cold has left my head it just hasn't vacated the rest of my body.  And the rest of the workout was way harder, it felt like the first time I went.  K did add extra weight to the last reps of everything...not helping.  To tired to even write much about the workout, as my arms feel like jello, and ache just typing, yes the workout was that bad. So loading up on protein shakes and hoping that will help my recovery!

Sunday, 14 August 2011


How I got to be over 200 pounds was an accumulation of 5 years and emotional eating.  All the weight I gained, was gained in the winter when the depression is the worst for me.  Up until I got married I had an awesome metabolism, I could eat anything I wanted and if I wanted to loss a couple pounds I'd spend a couple weeks exercising.  When we went to Japan that was the first winter that I really suffered with depression, and I gained 10 pounds, most of it when we came home from Japan, I lost the weight that summer for my sisters wedding and  kept it off for a few months.  The next fall/winter was difficult we were living in a dark little basement suit, and I slowly gained 20 pounds, that winter was horrible.  I remember that I did not laugh for a couple months until one day when I was watching a movie in March or April and rushed to call Landon at work because I had laughed.  This was so monumental (the laughter) I can't even begin to describe it, it will be forever engraved in my mind.  We moved out of the basement suit and got into the house we are living in now, and the summer went by fine, winter came and went and brought with it another 10 pounds.  So this is about 3 years ago and I am at 150 pounds.  A year passed and I found out that winter my grandfather had lung cancer stage four, on went 15 pounds.  At the time of his funeral 2 years ago I weighted 165 pounds.  That winter I went into get somatic therapy, a lot of things came up that I wasn't emotionally ready to deal with so on went 30 pounds.  That summer we moved out of the house we are in now, and back to a dark little basement suit know as the cave, I lost nothing and continued to eat my feelings until September 2010 when I started school, here I weight 200 pounds, the stress and business of school lead to a lot of unhealthy eating added 17 pounds to my weight.  February 2011 is when everything changed, I realized that the weight gain was the consequence of my eating and lack of exercise and not the depression medication.  This mental clarity and sense of responsibility lead to the changes I have made and the weight I have lost.  Of course this is just a summary of the weight and a lot of history missed but essentially the time line of the weight gain.

Friday, 12 August 2011

Sick Day at the Gym

Today with K was great, I was a little worried after I saw her at Dairy Queen, getting a blizzard for kids day, that I was going to get killed in my training this am, but it was kids day and I did only get a mini while she got a large.  I was starting to get sick yesterday, and woke up today with a full fledged cold and not feeling like working out.  The last thing I need is a cold to derail my progress, but K worked with me having a cold and it was a great, really hard work out.  K really is fantastic at her job, and I love working with her, no matter how hard it is.  My clothes are starting to fit, or not fit (AS IN GETTING A BIT BIG), I am really excited for the changes that is happening with my body and mental state.

Thursday, 11 August 2011

Back to normal?

Well the last of our family left today, so after 10 days of visiting with Landon's mom and dad and than my sister and her little family we are back to the normal that our life is.  I'm not sure living in renos can be considered normal.
I've done amazingly well keeping up with the gym and dieting, despite all the distractions.  I saw K yesterday after 6 days without seeing her, and wow I am so sore today.  It was the lunge, squat and barbell combined exercise that just about had me calling for mercy.  I am not sure where she comes up with these things.  So that horrible exercise went like this, lunge with inside leg, move leg back and squat, and switch to the other leg  lunging (while holding a barbell), repeating until I was whimpering to stop...yuck.  Needless to say it was a great workout and there is a reason I am so sore today.
On an interesting note dehydration is the most common reason for cramping muscles, thanks K.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Up to my ears in cuteness

I have been super busy, so sorry about the last few days with no posting.  I have my adorable nephews in town, and they are so much fun, and all my spare time is being spent with them.  I think they are leaving tomorrow.  It has been wonderful to get to know them, and see life through their eyes.
I have been keeping up with the gym and the diet.  The diet has been very hard the last few day, spending it with little kids and people on vacation, there is candy, chips, cookies, pop, juice...oh my!  All I have had, treat wise, is a half (!HALF!) of a cookie.  Seriously people this is hard for me, and how do you tell a two year old who is wanting to share his treats with you that you are on a diet, and that you are working out at the gym to hard to even think about what candy will do to you.  Besides is it ever just one candy or one treat?

Sunday, 7 August 2011


Motivation is going to be key in the next month. My appointments with K are going down to twice a week and that means I will have to do one weight training day by myself.  I started this am by accident, I got up early (6) to go to the gym only to find out on Sundays it is open 8-5... seriously.  Usually this is not a problem by we are away all day and there would be no time for the gym, and my stress level was telling me that I needed to get a work out in.  So I dug out our weights and did a workout this am at home, not as hard as K as I didn't have all the muscle groups to work out as our house isn't equipped with a gym. But an okay workout, I need to learn to really dig deep with out K this week to make sure that I get as much out of each work out as possible.  The other thing that will happen in two weeks, is according to K I will start gaining muscle and the scale may show less weight loss, to I need to stay motivated during this time and not get discouraged.  Also our kitchen situation leaves much to be we don't have one yet.  The husband has been working 15+ hours a day with work and there isn't to much that I am able to do, this means I have to get creative in the "kitchen" making up new and tasty, healthy meals this month!  

Saturday, 6 August 2011

My Time to Shine

I was talking to a wonderful friend of mine, about a person in my life who makes me feel incredibly insecure.  (the insecurity from me nothing that they have done)  And she reminded me of the amazing things going on in my life and the successes I have accomplished in the past little while and told me that it was my time to shine.  For the last few days that has been my mantra, and it has been helping.  I have a lot to be glad for and there is never any need to compare yourself with others.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Goal Met

So this is almost a months worth of work.  I have lost 4 pounds this week.  So a total of 10 pounds this month.  I am very glad I met my goal. I wish it had of been a bit more. I haven't been to see K yet, but I have weighted myself at home and have officially lost 30 pounds! I am 185 and going to get smaller!