Oh Baby

I was reminded this week how much I want a kid, by a friend from school who told someone that there is nothing I want more.  I was a little taken aback, and then decided to look at how they got to that conclusion. Well almost every paper I have written in school has been about children is some way, shape or form.  From being a working mother, depression with children, effects of watching TV on toddlers, postpartum depression, and to the current paper that is floating around in my head the transition into motherhood. Then I went into my study and saw the multiple baby books on my shelf, from baby names, what to expect when your expecting, baby proofing your marriage, parenting from the inside out, child honoring, healing the child within, and kids are wonderful...I have read most of them, some of them a few times.  Then I remembered the long list of baby names I have hidden away and that right this moment I have a name for both a boy and a girl, that LB and I both agree on.  I have been cleared months ago by a specialist to have children in my mental state and with the medication I am on.   I know how I am going to decorate the nursery, I sort of have a birthing plan, I have ideas on how I am going to raise my future child, yes I am going to try and breast feed and for how long, I know the arguments for cloth and disposable diapers, I have researched strollers...
BUT KIDS ARE NOT ON THE HORIZON YET.
But it is what I think about constantly.  So this lead to a stay in bed and have a cry type of day yesterday, that included watching every TV show that had kids in it.  Parenthood, Up All Night, Criminal Minds, Law and Order SVU....just to see them.  Maybe it's because in 4 days I will have another niece or nephew?  Maybe it's because many of my friends facebook pictures are of their beautiful children?  Or maybe because I know I can't/wont have one right now?
So I turned to the one thing that I always turn to for comfort....food.  I held off until talking to LB and decided that I was very close to a binge, and I should have a controlled treat.  So off to get a cheese burger I went, and a single brownie, at 9pm.  I try so hard not to eat late, but last night it was needed and a good idea.  Yes it was probably about a 1000 calories that I will have to work off over the next couple days, but I was not surrounded by bags of food, and sick.  There were no fries, no pop, no pan of brownies, it was just a late unhealthy supper.  I am glad I did it though, because here I am this morning, no guilt (which leads to more eating in my case) and satisfied that I got a treat, and willing to work it off today with K.