Monday, 30 September 2013

Depression and Loss AKA Looking Back

I have over the last few months been dealing with the loss that the depression has created in my life. For me it's the loss of time, I basically have about 5 years of nothing.  I think it is happening now when I am happier then ever and my life feels so rich and fulfilling, I feel the contrast of where my life was to where is is now.  I was trying to explain it to LB and the best way to describe how I look back at that time is like looking through a strangers photo album, there is no emotional connection to the events that you are viewing.  There are some events that I don't remember at all, or only remember the anxiety around the event., like my sister's wedding.  I picked up a photo album to look at what day it was so I could wish them at happy anniversary and realized I couldn't remember anything from that day very well, all I remember is being glad for pictures!  It makes me sad, really sad to have days that normally would have made wonderful memories not exist for me.

There also is the loss of "living" I existed for 5 years I didn't live life not really.  Living to me is being out in the world; creating memories and friendships, exploring who your are and what your about.  I did none of those things.  There were weeks when I wouldn't/couldn't leave the house, seeing no one except for LB(who was working full time and often in school full time) I was completely and utterly alone.  Living in a cocoon of bad TV and audio books, nestled in bed drifting in and out of sleep: days, weeks, months and years pasted in that state.  Despite that I managed to dig myself out of that hole, it was hard and painful, like nothing I've yet experienced outside of the depression.  So now I mourn for those lost days, when I hold my baby  and realize that time is a valuable commodity not to be wasted or squandered.

We have been busy out and about doing great fun adventures with our little man, and sometimes I just have to take a moment and cry.  Cry because I am so thankful for what we are as a family, what I am capable of doing and being and thankful for how far I've come.

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

weigh in Wednesday

167.6, down a little tiny bit from 2 weeks ago but not much.  It's been a crazy two weeks with my back being sore again and Ronan being sick and unable to go to the gym daycare for a week.  So we are back to normal this week with the gym and trying to get eating healthy again.