Oh and this is how I feel today, as I admit to cheating the last two weeks on my self with food. I strive for perfection daily and when I don't reach perfection, because no one can, I lose it on myself and the spiral of self contempt and eating begins. It is probably my biggest personal struggle is to accept my self the way I am today, because I am not yet the person I want to be. This is not only my weight, but who I am inside.
I know there must be a balance between personal growth and acceptance of self. If I spend my whole life striving for growth and betterment in the way which I do now, I will miss out on so much of life's little wonderful moments.
It is one of the factors I haven't chosen to have children yet (other then the depression), because I don't feel that I am the best me yet...and don't my children deserve that? But don't our children deserve to also see that we all have struggles and that victory and failure happens to each of us and to see how we deal with each of those? These battles rage inside my head on a daily basis.
It's the reason when I am in school that I have no time for anything else, I have thrown myself 100% into my studies striving for perfection...and heaven help this household if anything else happens.
So I am going to try this Christmas break to be less hard on myself...challenge denied K. I will enjoy the brief time with my loved ones, as my true authentic self...with just a slightly smaller serving of dessert.