Body after Baby 5 weeks

Well for starters I cannot believe it has only been 5 weeks, it feels like R has been a part of our little family forever now.
So in total I gained at least 33 pounds, (I didn't weigh myself the last two weeks before R arrived so I am not exactly sure) and I have 8 pounds left to get back to pre-baby weight! I am hoping to get cleared by the Dr to start working out again on Tuesday, but I have a feeling because it was a c-section it will be another 2 weeks, for a total of 8 weeks for recovery, but that is better then the original thought of December 1st!
I have healed up amazingly quickly.  I was up walking in about 8 hours as soon as I got the okay for the nurses, and pushed to get discharged a day early, with very little discomfort other then getting up out of bed and from sitting up but that only lasted a couple days. I have been out walking the dogs and the baby whenever I can and getting about 10 km in a week.   So I think the quick recovery and breast feeding have enabled the quick weight loss.

 Yahh for a very hungry baby which is starting to fuss waiting for me to get to feeding him again!

I am not planning on limiting calories while breast feeding, just working out and eating healthy.  As this cute little man with chubby cheeks needs me to be healthy and eating enough for the two of us to be healthy and happy.

Ronan Forrest Bailey

Well I promised myself I would get this out before his one month birthday...and that's today! The top picture was taken yesterday and the bottem when we first got home.  We packed up his newborn clothes this week as he went through his three week growth spurt and could no longer fit it to the clothes.
He was born Tuesday September 25th at 10:43pm, two days early according to the dr's dates and 10 days late by mine.  And at his first dr visit it was determined that he was late and more likely my date was right...so trust your instinct!  I laboured for over 24 hours and then had a C-section.  Labour was long and hard and worth every second of it.  And I can't wait to add to our little family...horray for happy mommy hormones that block out the labour.   I will eventually post more but I started this post this morning and the day has/is coming to an end for our little family, being a mom doesn't leave alot of time for certain things right now!

20 things to do before the bean arrives

      I am going crazy waiting for the baby to arrive.  It could be anytime in the next 4.5 weeks...that seems like far to large of window to expect anyone to wait patiently and not go crazy in the process.  I swore I wouldn't be one on those moms posting everyday on Facebook and complaining that the baby isn't here yet...and well I am one of those...just ask poor LB! Hopefully this list will fill my days and help me pass the time.... 
  
   Buy a post baby outfit! 
     Write wills
   Write letter to baby’s guardians (hardest decision ever) 

   Install car seat and get it checked out by fire department

       Read a good book

      Buy an awesome present for an amazing two year old birthday and attend

   Wrap shower gifts

   Attend KPMG family day/group baby shower

      Start on thank-you’s for baby shower

      Send out appreciation cards

      Bath dogs

     Get dogs meet the baby treats

.   Make 5 more freezer meals

     Have a movie night with the siblings.

     Finish quilt

     Make music playlist for labor

     Make music playlist for the bean...maybe some Raffi and Sharon, Louis and Bram

     Make a new meal maybe Thai?

     Pick blackberries and make something yummy!

     Write letter to baby 

  

September

really feels like the perfect month for baby to arrive.  We have reached term today 37 weeks!  A big sigh of relief and an inhale of excitement and anticipation.  Our fingers are crossed that baby will come out a little earlier, LB would love to get off work a little earlier as he has the first 3 months off! And I want the baby out before October when my lovely sister and her family are planning on coming for Thanksgiving.  I really would love to be able to play with my nephews and be eating turkey dinner...just my luck I will be being induced and miss out on both!  The baby dropped about a 1.5 weeks ago, and making mom slightly more comfortable other then the wee one sitting on my sciatic nerve, a grinding sensation on the pelvis bone when walking and having to pee all the time.

These pictures were taken on the hottest day...or at least it felt like it in the middle of August.  We took 1 hour and LB's mom and drove to Mount Doug where we love walking/hiking around in the summer and early fall, and crashed/waddled around trying to get some pictures.  I had very swollen legs due to the heat and was very tired, but had a bee in bonnet and wanted to get some done "right now" that evening in 35 degree heat..yuck.  I wasn't too concerned about getting "belly shots" just wanted one last family picture before the baby arrives to remember life right now.  

A Peek at the Nursery

Thanks for the painting Kane and Rye! 

I think it is my favorite part of the room. 

So the Bean's Room is pretty close to being done.  There are pictures to be framed and hung, window sills to be sanded and painted, light fixture to be replaced, door painted and maybe the ceiling, baseboards to get finished, the quilt needs to get binding put on it and a few little things like that...however LB is working hard both at the office and doing the rest of the renos.  In the midst of renos the nesting instinct can be a bit of a problem.

                               Poor Lily wondering if it is safe to come in yet

                                And here's where the Bean will actually be sleeping...

                      right next to Mom and Dad in Great Gram's first bed!

30 Weeks

Only 10ish weeks to go!! I am starting to get a hang of being pregnant and am much more comfortable in my body as time passes.  Swimming was great, I was exhausted at the end of 20 minutes and had to drag myself out of the pool and into the car.  Walking has been going pretty good, I am not quite at my goal, as one of my walking partners hurt her paw (Lily) and recovery has taken the daily 3km walk out of the picture probably until monday. Just a bunch of shorter ones for now.  
And I am enjoying the summer heat...90% of the time.

28 Weeks

Third Trimester Goals

Well yesterday marked the start of the third trimester and hopefully that means the Bean will make it's appearance in the next 10-12 weeks.  I also have been feeling better for the last little while and decided to try and get a little more of a workout in.  I am using the term workout loosely meaning some nice long walks and hopefully some swimming.
Daily goal is to get the dogs out for our 45 minute walk every morning. Then twice a week go for an extra walk/hike for about an hour.
I am going to try swimming out today.  I have had a lot of people say that it is great form of exercise while pregnant especially towards the end to the pregnancy.  I am not a very good swimmer and a little bit self conscious of being in a bathing suit.  So if the swimming works I am going to try and go once or twice a week on top of the walking.
As for eating I am going to try and get lots of different foods and flavors into me in the next few months as the baby now can taste!! How crazy is that.  I think the hardest is going to be vegetables as through this entire pregnancy so far  I haven't been able to stand them  and am constantly trying to hid them in my food and pretend they aren't there.  Normally I love vegetables and always have, and am wanting the Bean to love them too, so that means I have to eat them now whether I like it or not!
I also have to increase my iron intake which is not a big surprise, as I am not a big fan of meat and spinach has been out of the picture since the Bean became boss 6 months ago.

Dog's Perspective

Baby Bean Update

Tomorrow is 27 weeks!  We are just 8 days from the third trimester!!
The bean is kicking up a storm on a daily basis and has gotten in a few kicks up under the ribs.  
We constantly refer to the bean as him...but we have no idea what we are having and end up confusing a few people.  I think it would be more confusing to be calling the baby, lentil or bean which is what LB and I usually refer to "it" as.  
I go through hills and valleys between excitement and fear.  LB on the other hand is always excited.
We watched a movie/documentary called Babies and Ringo sat through completely engaged for about 80% of the movie watching the babies on the screen.  Lily didn't get as excited, she might have watched 30% of it which is still a lot for either dog.  It completely melted my heart.  We already have seen the dogs with kids and they love love love them.  But to see the dogs completely engrossed by them on a screen was amazing.
Just 13 weeks until the due date!

                                                                                   Lily and Ringo

When therapy doesn't work

About 2.5 years ago I reached the darkest of dark places, and I reached out to someone for help and they recommended I see a therapist in Vancouver who did somatic therapy.  Somatic therapy is a holistic approach where the mind and the body work as one and you must heal each in order to be healthy both mentally and physically.  The basic idea in the treatment I which did was that my body was holding onto past experiences and causing/creating the depressive state.  And that through deep tissue and organ manipulation my body would bring issues to the surface and allow healing.
There were a few mistakes and warning signs that were there before the therapy, which in the state of mind I couldn't see, indicating that there may be problems ahead.
The therapist was one who had worked with many many members of my extended family...mistake number one.  Really one needs to separate family from therapy as there are so many boundaries which can easily be blurred.   I was also warned by many others who had worked with her to not go to her and find someone else...mistake number two.  There were reasons why I was being warned, and of course people don't go into details when it comes to their personal therapy, when warning someone not to go to a particular therapist. Turns out she is not licensed to practice anything other then massage.
But I was really really really badly off and I felt like I had no other options. I was in therapy already and with the same therapist I have today; but therapy like anything worth waiting for takes time to really "fix" the problem and I felt like I was running out of time.
So I went, and I went with a family member who was also having treatment with the same therapist...mistake number three.   The actual work done on my body was amazing; and 2 days into the therapy (which was 4 days long and 2 hour sessions) I felt better, both physically and mentally. Somatic therapy can be physically painful as your body moves through the "stuff" (for lack of a better word) and you can end up in weird positions and more then once in a heap on the floor.

However what wasn't done in by this particular somatic therapist was the talk/mind aspect of the therapy...so I was left at the end with all this "emotional baggage" which I didn't know how to process. Not knowing how to process the emotional baggage in a healthy constructive way, is why my body was unable to deal with it in the first place, and then held on to it. There was no consideration on the part of this therapist to have any help on dealing with the emotional side of the therapy, which is really bad practice.   I was lucky that I came home to a therapist I trusted and could help deal with what happened and what therapy had brought up to the surface.  If I wasn't already in therapy I fear something truly awful could have come out of those treatments. So for me personally the negative effects of this treatment were minimal.   
One of the biggest things that happened for me was that she shared what had gone on in treatment of other members of my family....this is so so so wrong. There is a lot of trust you have to put in the therapist,  trust that what you say is private and confidential.   So years later this is still an issue for me because when I was in the time of most vulnerability, I shared things with someone who i know has broken the basic ethics of any sort of therapeutic healing.  
With baby on it's way (!14 weeks left!)  I worry what happened in that room with come out, and I worry who it will be shared with. I worry that the work I have done will some how unravel, if other people learn more about what has gone on for me then I am willing to share.   I worry if in any way this will effect the baby, which is why it has become such a sensitive issue all this time later. 

GoodBye K

About 6 weeks ago I said goodbye to K and the gym.  It was a hard decision but physically I just couldn't do what I had done before and felt that I was wasting a lot of money and creating a negative atmosphere which was leading to me dreading going to the gym. I will go back to K after I have been cleared by the doc after baby is here.
So I am walking daily with the dogs and thinking about trying out swimming.  I have read and heard from lots of people that it is a really comfortable form of exercise while pregnant.
There are 15 weeks until Baby Bailey's "due" date.  We are getting more excited by the day and time seems to be slowing down to a crawl. In the meantime we have lots of friends and family who are pregnant or just given birth...6 babies in the last 5 weeks!!  of course this makes 15 weeks seem like a long long long time away!

A little perspective

This is the first photo of me being pregnant.   When you gain close to 100 pounds in a few short years, you stop taking pictures, and even when you have lost just over half of that weight....getting your picture taken does not come very easily.  We took this running out the door and went out for date night at Il Terrazo....where I could not believe how "pregnant" I was treated.  I didn't have to go down stairs to the bathroom...on the way down the manager told me to use the one up stairs.  It was a nice though because over the couple hours we were there I went 4 times.  Strangers have starting asking me when I am due, and lots of people touch the belly now.
I commented to LB in the restaurant how pregnant I've felt the last little while and not getting my own drink menu and the server commenting how LB would be the only one needing one summed it up.
We have 3 mirrors in our house, and only one of them is a full length one it is on the back of the bathroom door so there is often a towel hanging over it; and like the camera situation mirrors are avoided.  So when we came home and I looked at the pictures I laughed out loud....I look HUGE and no wonder people have noticed! I hadn't really noticed other then how clothes felt and how hard it is getting to bend or crouch down!  So these pictures are my new perspective on how I look...and truly I LOVE IT.  It helps that just last Tuesday Baby Bailey finally started moving so I could feel him/her.

"Pregnant and I Know It"

A cry for help is a

cry for help...no matter which forms it comes in.  And certainly is not our place to judge how or why a person seeks help in the way in which they choose.  This morning I woke up to find a friend had attempted/thought/planned suicide on Facebook.  I am grateful that this attempt was taken away from them by a loved one.  Now honestly the first thought was oh attention, but then as I continued to read I heard the desperation and the pain that was being felt and a flood of emotions came rushing back.  I knew the words that were being said I had thought them many times, and I could feel the pain that was being felt. I chose a very different form of crying for help...and very private.  None the less the cry for help was still a very real cry for help.  Please don't judge someone based on their cry for help, getting attention is asking for help, hurting oneself through cutting, drinking, drugs, eating disorders, or anything else is that person's way of saying I am hurting and I don't know what to do with the pain...if you know anything please help and even if I am not ready to listen I know I have you in my corner.   

I went back to bed and curled up with LB and the dogs and cried my eyes out for myself. Grateful I got help and fought like hell to get out of the depressive hole that I was in...because there where those who saw my cry for help was a cry for help and showed kindness and love without judgement.

This week with K

I saw K three times this week....all with different results.  Monday was pretty good and not to much of a struggle other then nausea afterwards.  Wednesday was much more of a struggle as I had less energy and spent the morning trying to get out the door, and out of bed.  Friday I was really looking forward but by the last set of exercises I truly was exhausted and felt every bit of being pregnant.
I am working at getting my diet back to some semblance of a healthy one....I have lived on red meat, simple carbs and sour soothers the last 18 weeks.  And Robin I feel like I might just die too, if I don't get exactly what I want....
So this week my accomplishments feel great...like I am still in some sort of control of my own life

Oh and the scale is banished! 

Struggling

Being pregnant has turned my exercise/healthy lifestyle upside down, inside out and  crazy all the way around.  I am really trying to find some sort of balance.  Getting to the gym is just not happening, and food cravings are just all over the place.  I am just not really sure how or where to start most days...as each day is different then the last and never what I expect.  So tomorrow starts with getting to the gym...and will go from there.

Back to Basics

So I officially was able to start back working out at the gym and with K on the 1st of April.  I've only been to the gym 3 times and 2 of them were workouts with K.  The 1st time alone and with K were very discouraging, I still wasn't feeling well and could not get my heart rate up and had no speed or endurance.  But today I was BACK!!! Last week I started feeling better almost 15 weeks to the day and I started feeling like myself.  It's been a week of feeling good so I think I can say that I am on the mend and not be jinxing myself.
The first work out with K consisted of only 6 exercises, normally we do between 9-12....so fell short there.  And then on my warm up I couldn't get my speed up past 4 and normally I am 8.5-9, and burn 110-125 calories in 10 minutes, at 15 minutes i still hadn't reached 100 calories.  So it was really frustrating and I was so sore afterwards.
Today thought I got back to normal.  I was feeling so good and accidentally got my heart rate up to 193..I am supposed to keep it around 150-160, and no higher.  I was just so excited to be feeling like myself.  I got to 100 calories burnt in my warm up at 11:30....so better.  Then with K we got 9 exercises in...again better.  
So hopefully this is the start of things to come!

Out of the woods

and off bed rest!! I get to start training April 1st with K again and will get back to updating about the training.  I am really excited! Not to sure on how my body will take it but hopefully by that time some of the symptoms/side effects of being pregnant will be over or at the very least manageable (seeing as that it will be 3 full weeks from now).

Things I didn't know about being pregnant

....well for a brief summery ALOT!

1) That morning sickness lasts all day...and night

2) That the pregnancy glow in my case is due to copious amounts of oil...and I am back to having acne...worse then as a teenager

3) It is exhausting growing a little being inside 

4) Your favorite foods can quickly become enemy number one....chocolate and pizza really...come on lentil bean give me a break 

5) A person can survive on simple carbohydrates and the occasional steaks.  Both breads and a lot of meat are not something that is in my normal diet.  I only was eating meat maybe once a week and one or two small servings of complex carbs a day.  Right now this is what will stay down...so I eat it.
6) Some days your boobs hurt so bad that you will wear two bras a regular one and then a sports one over top so they DO NOT MOVE.
the list could go on and on but I am to tired to think and some days I don't even know what comes after 6 so we end the list  

Update

So I have been avoiding the blog writing until I was willing to share with the world what has been going on.  LB and I are expecting a little one in September!  We are either 9.5 weeks(ultrasound due date) or 11 weeks(last day of period).    It has/is a bumpy ride.  All the training with K and for running the 10k is put on hold for a little while.  I have been on bed rest for the last 2 weeks and am "off" bed rest, and just have some limitations placed on around my life. I think for now this is about all I am willing to share.

Brighter than the sun

My sister claimed this as her summer song...I think I will grab it for my winter/spring and summer song.

Last week

I've been MIA at the gym and at school this past week, as I am pretty sick right now.  However I did manage to drag myself out of bed to go to the ballet on Friday...a lovely birthday gift from LB.  I had never been and I always imagined that ballet dancers were skinny and unhealthy looking...this could very much be media based.  Not the ones I saw dancing we were up in the second level at the play house and about half way up and you could see their muscles.... unbelievable!
Hopefully this week leads to the gym as K is going to seriously hurt me if I miss one more appointment!

Perspective

Tired, low on energy and a little down.

What screws us up most in life if the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be. 
Ahhh breathe.  That sentence sums up the last couple weeks exactly for me.  I had big plans that this term would be different, like three more classes, and that I would suddenly love my Social Work prof.  I had planned on losing enough weight to get below 160 before my birthday, I planned on the sun shining everyday and my house to be finished with renos.  I did not plan on still having a cough (that drives LB and everyone in my classes crazy) 5 weeks after having strep throat.  I thought I would have more energy and that I could easily run 10k and it wouldn't be to much harder then what I had been doing.
So I am working on throwing out the expectations that I have placed on myself and try and go with the flow...hahaha we will see how that goes.

Running

I am slowly starting to enjoy the whole running thing.  It's becoming more of a routine, doing some sort of running, 1 mile or 3 miles or just 30 minutes without stopping on a daily basis.  That is not to say that I jump out of bed every morning and can't wait to go, it's just that I am becoming more comfortable running.  Our camera battery charger is lost...the reason I haven't posted any pictures.  But from the last picture posted, my arms have slimmed down and my face is slowly becoming defined again... hooray for cheek bones!
 

A lot of hard work

So we are planning on signing up for the 10K through LB's office, which leads to even more motivation to be able to run it in a decent amount of time.  The last week I haven't done to much running but have been working on "endurance."   Which translates to the depression has be difficult and spending a couple hours in the gym leads to a happier me, although a much sorer me.  Today was a rest day, but Friday was 1 hour on the elliptical burning 600 calories and 1 hour on the treadmill burning 400 calories.  I am so sore today, but I wasn't so grouchy.  My weight loss hasn't really been coming along that great, I am pretty stagnant.  This is due to the fact that I eat when I am depressed...not really what I want to have going on but comparatively to previous years at this time it is nothing.  I really wanted to hit 159 by my birthday, but unless a miracle takes place I don't think it will happen.  I have been leaving the scale alone, as it is a wee bit depressing to know how hard I've been working, and yet have been indulging in wonderful things like Thai food, Pink Bicycle, Pig, and Il Terrazzo... 

Killer Ab workout

So a day and a half later K's workout is still making me sore.  My abs are especially sore due to an amazing core workout.  We did hamstring curls with a bosu ball which means engaging the core for balance and support. The we did a ab exercise in which you are laying down, head up off the ground, holding a bosu ball in your hands and meeting up with your legs(which are straight) in the air at the center of your body and then moving both back down to a vee...does any of this make sense? There also was a balance exercise where you are laying on the bosu ball and hands and feet touching the ground and then lifting/straightening opposite hand and feet with the rest of your body, then switching sides.  The final exercise was having shoulders supported on the soft side of a half bosu ball and the rest of your body off the ground, supported only by your neck and feet, here you lift one leg at a time moving only from the knee.
It was pretty hard and I wish I knew some of the names of the exercises as they were a really good core set. 

Desperate times call for

desperate measures.  That was yesterday, a very hard day, right from the moment my eyes opened. I cried and fought the depression with every fiber of my being and still wasn't going that well.  So at 4 I hit the gym and did cardio for an hour and then worked with K for another hour...desperate I tell you! However, when I was done, beside being so sore and exhausted I felt a ray of hope and a little bit like myself.  this morning again I feel more like myself so so so happy about that!

You were given

this life because you're strong enough to live it  -Anonymous.  This is going to be today's mantra, because I need to believe this.

January 14th

So things are looking up

I have made a few changes in order to "accommodate" the depression and work with it rather than against it.  I dropped my course load at school down to 2 classes from 5. This allows me to have better availability to work with K as both being in school makes it difficult, and also meet with my CBT (cognitive behavior therapist ) to work through the depression.  I am hoping to work part time in fields related to Social Work, helping others has been proven in some studies to increase levels of satisfaction and joy in ones life...getting paid might help too.  I am not and never have been planning to apply to UVic this year, so I have not changed or derailed my school plans by cutting back on classes, and plan on taking spring and summer classes, and then a couple next fall.  I think over all it was the best decision to make for me and LB.

Meet your maker

or K.  After a month sans K,  it was a hard workout today.  She kicked my butt.  End of story.  

Thanks for all the encouragement.  

Depression Hurts

I don't often write about depression, but for the last week it has been creeping up and today BAM! For me depression is just as much physical as psychological, which makes sense to me, as I believe the two are very much connected.  I ache from head to toe, each of my limbs feel like they are filled with concrete, and my chest aches the most.  When we hurt of heart ache, the feeling like our heart is being crushed and we can barely breath, is what depression feels like to me.  My brain shuts down and becomes foggy so each decision and choice is compromised, and irrational.  I need to cry but I am so numb, and so in pain at the same time nothing comes out, my eyes well up but nothing more then that.   I struggle to get out of bed, every time I choose to even move my body screams in protest, and my mind tells me of every reason why I should not move and why I should stay in bed.  Even to carry on a conversation kills me, I am glad when LB is doing something other then spending time with me and wince every time the phone rings.
This is not a pity party here, the point of this blog post is to create the littlest bit of understanding for those in your life who go through this.
 I know that I will be okay, but some times I need a day in bed, in order to cope with the next week.  January and the beginning of February are the hardest months and I am hoping that my exercise will carry me through the next months.

Oh Yah

I figured out how to make comments available to everyone...

Run Run Run as fast as you can

you absolutely can catch me.  I know because I ran as hard as I could today, and it wasn't as far or as fast as I thought I could run..in my mind.  I am going to run this years Times Colonist 10K...so I thought I really should get on this...pronto.  I do not like running, I have mentioned before that I have wobbly bits, and they are much more noticeable when you are on a treadmill compared to the bike, elliptical or what ever other machine one is on.  However most of my fitness goals focused on running.  Such as the 10k, the marathon and the iron man, which I dream of participating in....running.  So I better learn to like running, as I will be doing it a lot in the next months!  I ran 3 miles in 37 minutes...or 4.8km.  I was a bit of a mess, I could hear my breathing...no panting over my music and when I was done someone said make sure you don't die. Needless to say there is a lot of hard work in front of me...

Just a reminder on this rainy yucky day

                             The days are starting to get longer...goodbye SAD

Why Not?

There are so many reason we give for not changing our lives... especially when it comes to healthy living. I have given myself all these excuses and more for why not.

* I don't have enough time-hogwash if you have 30minutes in your day to read a book, watch TV or are reading this blog...you have time to put on a pair of running shoes and head outside or to the gym. Trust me it will be some of the best spent time of your day.  Even when I have 3 exams one week and 2 papers due the next I have to make time...

* It cost money- I am fortunate that we are able to afford (well not really) for me to see K, but truly all you need is a pair of shoes, and if you live in a cold climate a gym might be useful.  Gym memberships are not that expensive, go to a local rec center, call up some friends to go walking/running with you if you need motivation.  If you really want it you will make it happen. 

* I have to give up...chocolate, coke, chips...yummy food-Not really, moderation is key again, yes I have chosen for the most part to give up those foods, but they had a hold on me like you wouldn't believe and I feel personally like most of the stuff is addictive and poison to our body.  There is something wrong if you cannot stop thinking about Cheeses.

* I don't know where to start- I don't either....even after months I don't know where to start.  Some days it starts with getting dressed and wondering around the house in my workout gear trying to get started, other days are much easier.  

* Eating healthy seems so over whelming- It's not that hard, shop on the perimeter of the grocery store...we rarely shop in the isles.  Clean out your cupboards, make a week meal plan, and only buy those groceries so that everything is premeditated. Eat lots of fruits and veggies, and water is your very best friend. There are 1000's of recipes online, and plenty of healthy ones. 

This is a new year and a chance for all of us to make it the healthiest year yet, so why not? Send me a reason and I'll let you know if you have a good enough reason why not to become a healthier you.

Here are some of my reason why you should:

1) My depression is manageable when I exercise...not gone, but manageable...I can believe that I am human during these winter months.  

2) People out there are so encouraging and supportive.  Seriously if you tell friends and family what you are doing, you will get support...maybe not from everyone, but enough to help you keep going.  And it is pretty awesome to hear it from someone how great you look!

3) Healthy food makes you not feel so sluggish...take it from a cheeses, sour soother, all bad food eater...the crazy roller coaster that your blood sugar is on sucks....and so not worth it.

4) Going down a clothing size feels great!

5) WAY BETTER SEX

6) I can look at pictures of myself and while my first reaction is still critical and a little mean, the next is a sense of pride.  I may not be where I want to be, but man I look good...or better.

7) Pushing yourself further then the time before.  I love being able to do one more push-up, or 30 seconds longer during a sprint. I feel powerful and in control of my self...and when you suffer from depression having/feeling a sense of control for a brief moment is so powerful and amazing. 

8) Self esteem.  Let's face it we all wish for a little more at times, and being/doing the things you want to be or do goes a long way in boosting your self esteem. 

9) Realizing you are not alone in your struggle to gain some control over your life.  Opening up to others allows you to be supported and in turn to be a support and encouragement to others. 

10) Did I need to go any further then better sex? 

I wish I could put into words what exercising and eating healthy has done for me mentally, physically and emotionally. I wish that I could put in to words my desire for each of you out there to look after and care for yourselves.  I can promise that the struggle is worth it...seriously do you think that I love getting my ass handed to me at the gym by K?...or not eating Reese Pieces?  really not a huge fan.  But I love what the struggle brings out, me.  It is so easy to hide behind layers of fat, food or behind a screen or a book, that we loose ourselves.  

2011 Reflections

Last night I spent some time looking back and reflecting on the last year, and it was a great year, no an incredible year.  

Some highlights

*Saw my first Canucks game...and it was an amazing game full of Sedinery, and an amazing hip check by Manny, and we won...of course

*Saw the Canucks make it to the Stanley Cup...so so close

*Got back home...and boy for the most part renos suck

*I got my self in pretty good shape 

*Started my blog and am in the process of  learning to be honest and vulnerable with myself

*Went to Mexico...boy was that a good vacation

*Lost 54 pounds in 10 months!

*Learnt so much in school: about myself and how I look at the world. 

*LB graduated and hopefully is done all his schooling for a long long time.

*Learned to love love love my life.

Except almost all of these things had direct negative impact on my/our life as well.  I am learning that with the amazing comes the struggles, or maybe it is because of the struggles the amazing occurs.  

I have no idea how we are going to top 2011...well actually we have some pretty exciting things in the works, which I will talk about when they actually come to being.