Weigh in Wednesday

165.6, just shy of a pound.  And surprised as I haven't done as much as I could have, so I want to challenge myself this week and this month to lose the 5.6 pounds to get under 160 by November 6th.

No More Mommy Wars

Being a mom is hard some days! Luckily for me, this summer I met some moms through a Facebook group for moms whose babies were born in 2012, and I was invited to participate in a judgement-free campaign on child raising "No More Mommy Wars" (http://momsunitingmoms.com).  There are a lot of decisions and choices to be made when it comes to raising children. These decisions can be scary when you are holding a brand new baby in your arms for the first time, so you make a decision and hope and pray that it's the right one.  When another parent makes a different decision, you start to second guess yours, and this can bring out a lot of angst and reactions may be a little less then kind.  Maybe it's because we are all tired, scared and haven't a clue what we are doing that causes us to lash out or make judgments on others' parenting styles. Whatever our reasons, these behaviours need to stop.  We are all in this together and the sooner we realize this, the better off we will all be.  Chances are the decisions on where our child sleeps, what car seat they are in, what type of diaper they wearing doesn't matter in the long term nearly as much as we may think it does now.

I had so many ideals going into motherhood, and in the last year many of those ideals have disintegrated and fell by the wayside, often to my dismay and heartache.  It has caused me to take pause when looking on another parents choices, we just never know what has gone on behind the scenes.  The first year has been humbling and I was so thankful for a project that allowed me to forgive myself for not meeting my own expectations and forgiving myself for being so hard on other parents in the past when I had no experience or understanding what it meant to be a mom.

We just got home from spending 6 days with my sister and her young family.  There really couldn't be someone who is a more different mother then I am than my sister, yet I loved it!  She is so laid back and easy going whereas I analyze and stress about every detail.  On the important things we are the same, that is: we love our kid(s) and want them to feel loved and be happy (basically what every mother wants for her children).  My sister and her husband have three children, aged 4, 3 and just under 2, they live on a farm on the prairies and are in the midst of remodeling a 100 year old farm house; talk about a busy household! The kids are amazing each with their own unique personality and so love-able! We left their place wanting to be better parents, we were inspired.  I've learnt a lot from her this year, as she is my 1st phone call when I need advice or support when it comes to R.  I have friends whose child rearing styles are more similar to my own, yet I go to her because she never judges and always supports me, and to have had her in my corner this last year has been priceless.  Even tonight as I called to ask if it was okay to reference her, we got talking about R's sleep situation and her words to me were, "you'll do what works best for you and R." In a world where there are 100's of sleep experts all with something different to say, her words and confidence in me are always refreshing and encouraging.

      I hope that we can all have someone in our corner as we go through child rearing years and can put our prejudices aside remembering we are all doing the best we can with what we have.

Weigh in Wednesday

166.4, I lost weight on vacation?  Maybe I just needed a break and relax so this week we are onward and downward.  Back to the gym after being away for about 3 weeks, and boy it kicked my butt as I am so very sore today.  It's good to be back.

Depression and Loss AKA Looking Back

I have over the last few months been dealing with the loss that the depression has created in my life. For me it's the loss of time, I basically have about 5 years of nothing.  I think it is happening now when I am happier then ever and my life feels so rich and fulfilling, I feel the contrast of where my life was to where is is now.  I was trying to explain it to LB and the best way to describe how I look back at that time is like looking through a strangers photo album, there is no emotional connection to the events that you are viewing.  There are some events that I don't remember at all, or only remember the anxiety around the event., like my sister's wedding.  I picked up a photo album to look at what day it was so I could wish them at happy anniversary and realized I couldn't remember anything from that day very well, all I remember is being anxious...so glad for pictures!  It makes me sad, really sad to have days that normally would have made wonderful memories not exist for me.

There also is the loss of "living" I existed for 5 years I didn't live life not really.  Living to me is being out in the world; creating memories and friendships, exploring who your are and what your about.  I did none of those things.  There were weeks when I wouldn't/couldn't leave the house, seeing no one except for LB(who was working full time and often in school full time) I was completely and utterly alone.  Living in a cocoon of bad TV and audio books, nestled in bed drifting in and out of sleep: days, weeks, months and years pasted in that state.  Despite that I managed to dig myself out of that hole, it was hard and painful, like nothing I've yet experienced outside of the depression.  So now I mourn for those lost days, when I hold my baby  and realize that time is a valuable commodity not to be wasted or squandered.

We have been busy out and about doing great fun adventures with our little man, and sometimes I just have to take a moment and cry.  Cry because I am so thankful for what we are as a family, what I am capable of doing and being and thankful for how far I've come.

weigh in Wednesday

167.6, down a little tiny bit from 2 weeks ago but not much.  It's been a crazy two weeks with my back being sore again and Ronan being sick and unable to go to the gym daycare for a week.  So we are back to normal this week with the gym and trying to get eating healthy again.

Gym goals

So I have some personal goals at the gym and yesterday I smashed one of them!  I wanted to be able to lift 100 pounds during a back squat, and I lifted 110!  A set of 5 reps! wahoo!
My other goals are
1) a chin up
2) run 10k
3) one handed push up
So yippee for goals met...both on the scale and off!

Weight in Wednesday

a day late but I'm here!  167.8 down a pound and back to pre-pregnancy weight! (this is not the lowest I was last year as i lost a couple pounds in the first trimester, but it marks the 50 pounds lost mark again!) Happy dance! First of my goal met! Next goal is to get to the 150's in time for Ronan's 1st birthday and a family picture session in October. So that is 7.8 pounds and feasible.
I also have 2 weeks before I am part of a photo (and possible video)  campaign to encourage mothers to support one another in the choices that we make for our children. This is going to be online and offline here in Victoria and I am hoping to lose another 2 pounds...on a side note anyone want to help me figure out what on earth to wear and hair and makeup?

Weigh in Wednesday

168.8.  This is the same as last week, which I never posted.  We were away at church convention, and there was no time to exercise and not the healthiest food choices, so I am happy to have stayed at this weight for a week.  The little man and I are heading away Friday morning for a couple days and so again exercise and eating will be a challenge:( but i will do what I can with what I have!

C-Section healing through exercise

So I had a cesarean when Ronan was born, and the healing process went well, but it still is uncomfortable and problematic.  I thought that it was something that I would have to live with, as I had talked to other moms who years later still felt the discomfort of it. However I met with C for an appointment and he had talked to someone in the physical therapy side of his schooling who told him some stretches I could do to help healing and ease the discomfort. There were three simple exercises with an All Ball


It was 4 minutes per stretch, place the ball between your belly button and top of hip bone and lay on it, do the opposite side.   Then the last one is between your belly button and where your rib cage join up.  It stretches out the fascia muscle a layer of muscle that goes through out the body.

After the stretches we did some strength training for the core, and it felt pretty crazy.  I felt like the day I came home from the hospital where my core was like jello.   And then trying to do the core exercises I have done for the last couple months it was like learning to do them all over again and my body didn't co-operate. I am sore today, but happy at the idea that my body slowly can get very close to how it was before.   So I am ordering a ball, C recommends stretching out 3 times a week, I will see how the scar tissue and discomforts changes and heals!

Weigh in Wednesday

169.8!  So happy!

A few days late

Wednesday weight 171.4 same as two weeks ago.  I am satisfied with no gains, as I've had a really bad last week and a half.  I am working through it and have a better couple days.  I also have had a really sore lower back, muscle spasms.  Luckily for me C is almost finished his a degree in occupational therapy/kinesiology and has been a huge help! So after a week of stretching and mobility exercise, I am feeling better.  So we will see what next Wednesday brings, so far I've been doing everything right this week.

Run Mama Run

One of my 4 running partners!  But possibly the cutest!  I've started running a couple times a week with LB, the 2 dogs and Ro.  We are using a couch to 5K app on my phone spent $2.99 and it's pretty awesome.  It is an 8 week running program which you run 3 times a week and it sets you up to be able to run a full 5 k at the end of it.  It so far has been well worth the $3 spent.  I love having/dragging the family along with me its extra motivation!

New Trainer

I was not happy when K left and I had to find a new trainer, upset and was planning on canceling my membership and eating the money that I had paid out for the training.  They convinced me to keep going until the end of August and trying out a new trainer. So I took a chance and BEST DECISION!  C is a great trainer and exactly who I needed.

C is a guy which is different already so we work out on the other side of the gym (instead of the women's only), he isn't as hard on my case about what I'm eating only that moderation and healthy.  K wanted me to stop eating fruit and anything with sugar, that was a bit to extreme for me.  I am sorry but a banana is okay, for me anyways, and it is all about moderation.

C pushes me more the K, way more.  For example when we do squats with K they were just squats and with C they are back squats with up to 75 pounds! Every exercise I have done with C has been way more extreme and harder.  We always go to my breaking point with every exercise, it is crazy, and I love it.  I feel stronger then I ever have in my life.

So we are 3 weeks in, and I am happy and motivated.

No weigh in Wednesday

I binged yesterday, not as bad as I used to,  but I still did.  I managed to get the rest of the day on track which is a big accomplishment for me and made a super yummy and healthy supper.  The normal events following a binge is getting so angry with myself, and choosing not to eat, end up starving and the over eating and the cycle continues for the rest of the day and maybe for a couple days.  So yesterday despite the failings of yesterday this is a positive accomplishment, and I decided not to weigh in and make myself feel bad.

I am feeling super overwhelmed as a mom, I have no idea what I am doing.  My little guy is growing so fast and I feel like I just can't keep up with him.  He is developing leap and bounds and everyday there is a "first" and I am really trying to make sure the house is safe and he is getting all his needs met.  Good grief I lost him, in the locked house. I couldn't find him anywhere and it turns out he was behind his bedroom door, but when he doesn't make any noise when you call and call and look in the room and don't see him,  you get panicky.  There are so many little things that happen like this on a daily basis, it makes it makes me feel overwhelmed and unprepared.

Weigh In Wednesday

171.2 just over a pound.  I am a little surprised that I actually lost a pound as my eating was way off track this weekend.  One thing I've noticed is I don't remember from one week to the next what my weight is!  This is amazing considering when I started this journey I was a bit obsessed with the number, this is progress I tell you!

Food for thought

So in trying to get some veggies in I've had to get a little creative.  So we tried a few different things this week, stuffed peppers, roasted Parmesan cauliflower, and roasted edemame (not posted).    So I loved the cauliflower and have made it a few times.

Just set oven to 400

Cut up cauliflower small bite sizes
1 Tbs of olive oil
2 Tbs of Parmesan
salt and pepper to taste

mix all together roast for 20-30 minutes

Yummy!

Weigh In Wednesday

172.4 down a pound from last week.  I did better this past week, there is still a lot of room to improve and do better.  Some of the ways I improved were meal planning, knowing what was coming, made me less likely to snack.  My weak spot of the day is around 3-4, so only just before dinner and it's often more stress eating.  Good days where R has 2 naps and we are busy out and about I am way less likely to go on a eating rampage.  Another point of improvement was looking to limit "treats" for example knowing that I was going to an epicure party where yummy food would be sampled I chose to have a lighter lunch, and when we were off to a bonfire where s'mores where involved I didn't allow anything sweet for the rest of that day.  So basically still allowing for treats but controlling the amount of them.

My goals for this week are
*get out walking/running-I am going to download the couch to 5 k app.
*water
*5 servings of fruit and veggies
*reach out to friends and get out of the house-it can be really isolating with a baby sometimes:(
*keep my gym apt with C-more on him later

Weigh In Wednesday

173.4 down just over half a pound.  I am a little disappointed in my efforts but not surprised ( I didn't do a great job everyday, in fact some days I was back to eating too much).  I also am happy because this is the lowest I've been in over a year, and I am believing that it means I am really moving forward again!
It's been a crazy week...but I think every week since R has been born has been a crazy one.  Tomorrow I am off to meet with a new trainer, as K is off exploring the world this summer, and might not be coming back:(.  So I am hoping it will go well, all I know is that  C is a guy and has lots of availability, I am a little apprehensive as I think I know who he is and is the "old lady" trainer and not as hard core....so here's hoping it goes well!  

Weigh In Wednesday

174 down 1.2 pounds this week. A little less then I would have liked but lots of stuff going on and I have given 100% every day.

Goals
*eat 5 servings of fruit and veggies this is the current recommend in take.  Some reseach shows it should be more like 7...but 5 is difficult enough right now.
*drink water

A skewed perspective

Lately I've been looking in the mirror and seeing the 217 pound me, never mind that was 42 pounds ago, and feeling really discouraged.  I have been dressing for that 217 pound person, hiding behind layers of clothing that doesn't fit right and are extremely unflattering.  I have been unkind and disparaging  to my past efforts and present self.  I have been eating my feelings about how I perceive myself.  And this is not okay and I am not going to do this anymore.
So I am working on changing that perspective.  I am going to LOVE myself right now, where I am TODAY.  I am going to be KIND and NURTURING to my self while on this journey of losing weight.  

I got to this realization while shopping with my beautiful sister who has been working on and completed her own weight loss journey.  I couldn't bring myself to try anything on.  Everything I looked at and liked I had a million reasons why I shouldn't try them on:  you would look ridiculous in that, that's for skinny people, you can buy nice clothes when you lose weight, nothing in here will fit you, it will make you cry when you see how you look and then you will wreak the shopping trip,  the baby will wake up, celebrate your sister...etc.    The ironic part of this was I was waiting for my sister to come home so I had someone to shop with!

So things are changing!
*I am going to start dressing in jeans everyday...no more yoga pants(even at home)
*I bought a pair of skinny jeans...guess what they look pretty good!
*I am going to do a weekly weight in on Wednesdays
*I am going to buy some clothes that I really love


I also have set some longer term goals 10 pounds by the end of June, I have already lost 2! Last weeks little changes have worked!   And the best goal is when I have lost 30 pounds I am heading out to Saskatchewan to see my family...it was the best motivation i could come up with.  

So today's weight is 175.2.

8 months later

Well I pretty much having nothing to add from the 4 month later post. Weight is about the same maybe up a pound or two. I have to get moving and in the last couple weeks I have, I also have to get eating healthy again.  I've been told that it's 60-70% food related and 40-30% being active.
So this weeks goals are:
*Drinking lots of water
*Get making smoothies again
*See K 2x
*Walk 3x
*Eat a flipping salad and some veggies!

I have a ways to go but I really want more then ever to get back to being healthy, especially for my little boy who watches everything we do and wants all the food off my plate.  I don't want him to know me as his overweight and unhealthy mom, I want him to know the person I want to be...healthy, fit and happy.

Happy Mothers Day

I feel like my heart is bursting with love for my little guy.  I am so thankful to be a mom to a sweet and silly little 7.5 month old.  I also this year have a great appreciation for all other moms out there. It is a tough job and there have been days that end in tears wondering what I could of/should of done differently.  There have also been many more days that end in a brief tired and thankful prayer that Ronan came into my life.  My own mom and grandmother I feel like I am learning more about them and understanding who they are everyday with every lesson I learn.  My amazing sister, who I am so thankful to be able to call and cry or laugh on the phone when I have no idea what I am doing. My MIL who gave me my wonderful, amazing and loving husband! And all the other moms out there I hope you have a great day!

For all things Ronan go to

http://thelandonbaileyfamily.blogspot.ca/

And enjoy!

4 months later

Well so much has changed.  First when I look at the blog and see the girl in the wedding dress I relies I will never be her again...so my blog feels poorly named.  Mind you I still would like to be that skinny, but from the c section scar to the loss of hair my body will never look like that again, never mind what will happen to my boobs...eek!
Second I truly don't have the same ability to throw myself into weight watchers and the gym like I would like to.  I am trying but if r is sleeping during a meeting time, lets face it I am not waking him up and chances are if I'm lucky I am sleeping too.  And with breast feeding yes it burns calories but I am starving for sugary carbs all the time...all the time.  Also who wants to go to the gym and get their bum kicked for an hour by a beautiful skinny not even thinking about have kids trainer.  I mean I've had my bum kicked 24/7 for the last 4 months by a very chubby and cute baby...he runs me off my feet like K at her worst all day long.  It's difficult every single day trying to find a balence between caring for R and caring for myself.
Third I'm a mom and at the end of the day if everyone is alive, happy and the house is remotly clean its a successful day.  Diet and exercise go out the window more days then I would like.  Teething baby who is cranky and wants to be held gets priority over supper.  We are in busy season so LB is working late and away some nights so seeing K often doesn't happen and appointments have to be canceled.

Pictures

All right here are the pictures I said I would post.  These were taken two weeks ago, right after I started going to the gym and weight watcher.  Since then I've lost 4.6 pounds and haven't had time to take another picture.  I do have lots of pictures of this cute little guy! There is a lot of work to be done, and so far it is much harder starting back up...but there is so much more of a motivation.  I want to be a healthy mom to R and show him by example what that is instead of just telling him.

Look at my awesome hand mouth coordination!  These days anything I can pick-up goes to my mouth...yummy!

Finding a groove.

Well life is crazy with a baby...and I feel that we are just getting the hang of it.  I got started back with K in the second week of December but with Christmas,  exams and baby it was hard to get back with any regularity.  Now since the new year I have been three time last week and boy am I sore.  Between K and Baby R I am exhausted and sore, yet I am set up to see K 3 times next week...ouch.    I also joined weight watchers almost three weeks ago, I was/am struggling to eat normal.  Over the last few years my eating has been on extremes too much food or dieting so I feel like I've lost perception on what healthy normal eating is.   So weight watchers it is for now...and in the first 2 weeks I lost 4.6 pounds. So we will see how it unfolds, it seems so hard to do right now...but I think that it's just life with a baby.   Well this post has taken over 45 minutes to write and there is no time for progress pictures, maybe later.