Keep On Going

Never mind the music video, or that it's country, it's today's theme song

Working it out

I've had a rough couple days. I always really try to be honest on the blog, so I just haven't been able to write, as I haven't been able to be honest with myself.
Depression is like a hole, that once you get down in it, it is very hard to get out of.  And truthfully sometimes it feels safer to stay down there then confront yourself with your feeling and dealing with the problem.  The last couple days have been spent in bed, I got to the gym Tuesday but not yesterday, and have eaten way to much food.  Probably gained a pound and maybe two.
So I have promised myself that I will get out of my hole today no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel, because it is where I want to be.
So today's plan:
Tidy the house, get to the gym, finish one assignment, go shopping for fabric to make a quilt for my new nephew, eat supper healthy, and most importantly allow myself permission to feel, feel sad, to cry and to laugh feel happy, just feel.

Killer K

Yesterday's working is still killing me.  We did some strength training then moved onto a spin class brought to you by the letter K.  I hate every second of that 15 minute and 20ish second workout. EVERY SECOND.  I will not be joining spin class anytime soon.  I was gasping and panting and wheezing the whole time.  My legs felt like jelly, and K was doing the workout beside me and didn't break a sweat, she was chatting the whole time. Meanwhile I was drenched, sweat pouring down my face into my eyes, could barely breath let alone say any thing that would be understood.  When it was all over she was so excited that she remembered the bikes and couldn't wait to do it again....

Oh Baby

I was reminded this week how much I want a kid, by a friend from school who told someone that there is nothing I want more.  I was a little taken aback, and then decided to look at how they got to that conclusion. Well almost every paper I have written in school has been about children is some way, shape or form.  From being a working mother, depression with children, effects of watching TV on toddlers, postpartum depression, and to the current paper that is floating around in my head the transition into motherhood. Then I went into my study and saw the multiple baby books on my shelf, from baby names, what to expect when your expecting, baby proofing your marriage, parenting from the inside out, child honoring, healing the child within, and kids are wonderful...I have read most of them, some of them a few times.  Then I remembered the long list of baby names I have hidden away and that right this moment I have a name for both a boy and a girl, that LB and I both agree on.  I have been cleared months ago by a specialist to have children in my mental state and with the medication I am on.   I know how I am going to decorate the nursery, I sort of have a birthing plan, I have ideas on how I am going to raise my future child, yes I am going to try and breast feed and for how long, I know the arguments for cloth and disposable diapers, I have researched strollers...
BUT KIDS ARE NOT ON THE HORIZON YET.
But it is what I think about constantly.  So this lead to a stay in bed and have a cry type of day yesterday, that included watching every TV show that had kids in it.  Parenthood, Up All Night, Criminal Minds, Law and Order SVU....just to see them.  Maybe it's because in 4 days I will have another niece or nephew?  Maybe it's because many of my friends facebook pictures are of their beautiful children?  Or maybe because I know I can't/wont have one right now?
So I turned to the one thing that I always turn to for comfort....food.  I held off until talking to LB and decided that I was very close to a binge, and I should have a controlled treat.  So off to get a cheese burger I went, and a single brownie, at 9pm.  I try so hard not to eat late, but last night it was needed and a good idea.  Yes it was probably about a 1000 calories that I will have to work off over the next couple days, but I was not surrounded by bags of food, and sick.  There were no fries, no pop, no pan of brownies, it was just a late unhealthy supper.  I am glad I did it though, because here I am this morning, no guilt (which leads to more eating in my case) and satisfied that I got a treat, and willing to work it off today with K.

Yes Success

Stepped on the scale 169.6....goodbye obesity.  This is the formal goodbye you are never welcome back in my life again.  I have changed the locks, your not coming back ever!  I will spend the rest of my life in the gym and eating healthy to make sure your not coming back!! Get the picture you are not welcome! GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE!
Happy dance, and off to the gym!

Alone

Well the next two weeks LB is away, so there goes my biggest supporter and cheerleader.  I just have to look at this as a great opportunity to focus on myself and be selfish about my diet and exercise.  I have decided to bump up the intensity of my workouts with K, up to three times a week again. This past week I have been sick and have managed to get to the gym, the workouts were a bit weak, and Monday's workout with K just about killed me.  She found a new abdominal exercise from her cousin who is on the Canadian synchro swim time, gosh it sucks!  And I wish her cousin kept the exercise to herself, K even had a hard time doing it....

Perfect Night for a Walk

It is a beautiful fall evening, just got in from an amazing walk that was a delight to the senses!  Some how my dogs got the message and walked like perfection, temperature was cool but not too cool.  Leaves are perfect, still crisp and changing color, kids laughing playing soccer, the smell of cut grass and of a wood fire! All I needed was LB...but alas he is away, so I will just have to savor the fall nights for the two of us.

WOW

http://www.cbc.ca/sports/story/2011/10/13/marathon-runner-age.html
This is an amazing story of a 100 year old man running a marathon today in Toronto.  First of all anyone no matter what age your at, whoever runs a marathon to me is amazing! 42km is crazy! I'm lucky to get in 5km, and next spring want to run 10km.  The dedication and mental power one has to have to run one of these is just mind blowing to me.  Considering it takes every bit of my mental power and dedication to get to the gym for an hour a day...yikes!  Let alone to be 100 years of age!  I would love to run a marathon someday, as it is on my bucket list, I know that i'm a ways off, but if this doesn't encourage me to do it I don't know what will.
GO Frauja GO! Wishing you all the best today and hoping that you succeed in your goals today!

Week Recap

Very glad that it's the weekend! It is a week I could have done without.  The bad, eating cereal for two meals a day for three days, K canceling Tuesdays appointment, me getting sick and canceling Friday's appointment, not getting to the gym enough. The good, finally getting around to watching the first episode of the biggest loser this season, and crying through the whole thing and getting motivated again.
I felt that I have gotten a little lost in school work and not spending the time reflecting and getting motivated to keep going.  I am hoping that the motivation and passion I feel right now will continue on and get me to finish this.  169 is still the goal and I will be so happy to reach it, I am so so so close.


                                                          I CAN DO IT!

Uncomfortable

What do you do when someone makes you so uncomfortable about who you are?  Usually I just don't care and don't allow them in my life.  This time it is not so easy.  I have a prof who doesn't seem to believe that mental illness exists.  He has brought up the "lack of biological evidence" of mental illness, and how medication doesn't help in fact it makes the problem worse.  He did bring up that talk therapy is a good first line in dealing with some mental illness which for some people is very helpful.
To make matter worse, I have to have him next term, that is 6 and a half months left of him.
He is the only Social Work prof at the school.  I know that I am particularly sensitive to this issue, however we are going into a profession where we will be helping people who may or may not have mental illnesses, and  I do not think teaching that it may not exist is the right way to go about it.  (I have talked to others in the class who are also upset about this).
I know that there are these thought and beliefs out there, and that is fine with me, as I have run into them before, there is just a time and a place to discuss them.  
So off to class, debate section of class today, I am praying that I keep my mouth shut or at least my words civil.

Update

Still not a 169, 3 more pounds to go. I have post it's all over the house reminding me.  Let's get it done.  Once I loss the 3 pounds I will be considered overweight and not obese (according to the BMI).  And you know what I'll take it, overweight here I come, goodbye obesity 

Run

Thankful

All week I've trying to make a mental list of things that I am thankful for, especially after the week I had it is easy for me to get discouraged and feeling sorry for myself. 

1) LB! How did I ever get so lucky to have such an amazing husband?  He has been my biggest support, and never made me ever ever feel bad for what I was going through and in turn putting him through.  Anything I need(ed) he has made sure to do everything in his power to make it happen. 

2) Ringo and Lily!  

3) Friends...I really am so thankful for all the amazing friends I have. 

4) K...yes I am really thankful for her, I signed up Friday for a YEAR of training! 

5) Family, both mine and LB's.

6) Rough times and personal growth, (it comes hand in hand)

7) Finding my passion again, and school as they are one in the same.  I cannot wait to be a Social Worker.

8) Nellie, she shares her joy with everyone around her and it is contagious. 

9) 45ish pounds lost.

10) The day I decided enough was enough and started losing weight...I am so so so grateful for that day. 

11) All the support and encouragement I have received from everyone reading my blog thank you so much! 

I hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving, I totally enjoyed every single bite...there were a lot of bites!

Purging

I went through all my clothes and am getting rid of a bunch! It feels really really good, there was some serious apprehension and anxiety at first, but now a lot of relief.  When I started this journey I made a promise to myself that there would be no hanging on to the past, including clothing.  I never want to make it easy to gain weight again, so the plan is once it doesn't fit it is gone.  It has been a harder promise to keep then I thought, I was so worried my closet would be empty and then feeling like I don't have anything to wear, so finding that box of clothing on Sunday was a godsend. I had cleaned the closet out on Saturday (when I was supposed to be studying) left the pile on my dresser for a couple days, then moved it to another room and decided yesterday that today would be the day to get rid of it!  It's all about the baby steps.

CA

LB finally got his designation!  We were not expecting it for a couple months....Yahhh!  I am so proud of him!

Horrible no good very bad day

Yesterday was a very bad day.  It started late Sunday night with a phone call letting me know, a wonderful amazing women had passed away, she was affectionately called Gramma, and lost her battle to breast cancer.  I to make a few calls the next morning to let some others know of her passing, not the way you want to start your morning.  Needless to say I was running behind and LB offered to drive me to school, and I nearly bit his head off, as he was messing with my routine, he than said you seem rather stressed and a drive would get me there for my exam before biking would.   I got to the exam early the door was locked and I started psyching myself out, that I was in the wrong place, wrong class, and I didn't study hard enough.   Exam was a little harder than I thought it would be.  Other little things kept going wrong and fast forward to my walk home.   Three blocks from home and I had a major panic attack...I've only had one or two major panic attacks before.  What makes it major is; apart from the shakes, troubled breaking, sweating, minor disorientation (from lack of oxygen) is that I lose control of my bladder and bowels.  So three blocks takes about 20 or so minutes, or maybe it just felt like it to get home.  By the time I am home I am a mess, so out of it, (felt like I was drunk).  After panic attacks like that, it is medication time and bed, to try and sleep off the after effects.  The effects of a bad panic attack can be felt for a day or so afterward.  My body is so tense, like it is stuck in the moment of fight or flight, like I am standing at a race line waiting for the gun to go off, every muscle ready to take action.   I am so glad for a new day...and that yesterday was yesterday.

                                             Good old Monty Python 

I HAVE to Post!

Okay so I said no posting until Friday, and I really only have a few hours left to study before tomorrow's exam but I just got LB to dig out an old box of clothes that I packed up over a year age....and I have clothes that fit, with numbers on the tag! I haven't had many numbers on my clothes in a while, only  XL'S and currently some L'S and now numbers.  Happy dance happy dance!  And some of those numbers are single digits.  I am so happy I could do a back flip....I was thinking the clothes might fit toward the end of the month or sometime in November but most of them fit now.....I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT!






Now back to studying.....