Perspective

Tired, low on energy and a little down.

What screws us up most in life if the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be. 
Ahhh breathe.  That sentence sums up the last couple weeks exactly for me.  I had big plans that this term would be different, like three more classes, and that I would suddenly love my Social Work prof.  I had planned on losing enough weight to get below 160 before my birthday, I planned on the sun shining everyday and my house to be finished with renos.  I did not plan on still having a cough (that drives LB and everyone in my classes crazy) 5 weeks after having strep throat.  I thought I would have more energy and that I could easily run 10k and it wouldn't be to much harder then what I had been doing.
So I am working on throwing out the expectations that I have placed on myself and try and go with the flow...hahaha we will see how that goes.

Running

I am slowly starting to enjoy the whole running thing.  It's becoming more of a routine, doing some sort of running, 1 mile or 3 miles or just 30 minutes without stopping on a daily basis.  That is not to say that I jump out of bed every morning and can't wait to go, it's just that I am becoming more comfortable running.  Our camera battery charger is lost...the reason I haven't posted any pictures.  But from the last picture posted, my arms have slimmed down and my face is slowly becoming defined again... hooray for cheek bones!
 

A lot of hard work

So we are planning on signing up for the 10K through LB's office, which leads to even more motivation to be able to run it in a decent amount of time.  The last week I haven't done to much running but have been working on "endurance."   Which translates to the depression has be difficult and spending a couple hours in the gym leads to a happier me, although a much sorer me.  Today was a rest day, but Friday was 1 hour on the elliptical burning 600 calories and 1 hour on the treadmill burning 400 calories.  I am so sore today, but I wasn't so grouchy.  My weight loss hasn't really been coming along that great, I am pretty stagnant.  This is due to the fact that I eat when I am depressed...not really what I want to have going on but comparatively to previous years at this time it is nothing.  I really wanted to hit 159 by my birthday, but unless a miracle takes place I don't think it will happen.  I have been leaving the scale alone, as it is a wee bit depressing to know how hard I've been working, and yet have been indulging in wonderful things like Thai food, Pink Bicycle, Pig, and Il Terrazzo... 

Killer Ab workout

So a day and a half later K's workout is still making me sore.  My abs are especially sore due to an amazing core workout.  We did hamstring curls with a bosu ball which means engaging the core for balance and support. The we did a ab exercise in which you are laying down, head up off the ground, holding a bosu ball in your hands and meeting up with your legs(which are straight) in the air at the center of your body and then moving both back down to a vee...does any of this make sense? There also was a balance exercise where you are laying on the bosu ball and hands and feet touching the ground and then lifting/straightening opposite hand and feet with the rest of your body, then switching sides.  The final exercise was having shoulders supported on the soft side of a half bosu ball and the rest of your body off the ground, supported only by your neck and feet, here you lift one leg at a time moving only from the knee.
It was pretty hard and I wish I knew some of the names of the exercises as they were a really good core set. 

Desperate times call for

desperate measures.  That was yesterday, a very hard day, right from the moment my eyes opened. I cried and fought the depression with every fiber of my being and still wasn't going that well.  So at 4 I hit the gym and did cardio for an hour and then worked with K for another hour...desperate I tell you! However, when I was done, beside being so sore and exhausted I felt a ray of hope and a little bit like myself.  this morning again I feel more like myself so so so happy about that!

You were given

this life because you're strong enough to live it  -Anonymous.  This is going to be today's mantra, because I need to believe this.

January 14th

So things are looking up

I have made a few changes in order to "accommodate" the depression and work with it rather than against it.  I dropped my course load at school down to 2 classes from 5. This allows me to have better availability to work with K as both being in school makes it difficult, and also meet with my CBT (cognitive behavior therapist ) to work through the depression.  I am hoping to work part time in fields related to Social Work, helping others has been proven in some studies to increase levels of satisfaction and joy in ones life...getting paid might help too.  I am not and never have been planning to apply to UVic this year, so I have not changed or derailed my school plans by cutting back on classes, and plan on taking spring and summer classes, and then a couple next fall.  I think over all it was the best decision to make for me and LB.

Meet your maker

or K.  After a month sans K,  it was a hard workout today.  She kicked my butt.  End of story.  

Thanks for all the encouragement.  

Depression Hurts

I don't often write about depression, but for the last week it has been creeping up and today BAM! For me depression is just as much physical as psychological, which makes sense to me, as I believe the two are very much connected.  I ache from head to toe, each of my limbs feel like they are filled with concrete, and my chest aches the most.  When we hurt of heart ache, the feeling like our heart is being crushed and we can barely breath, is what depression feels like to me.  My brain shuts down and becomes foggy so each decision and choice is compromised, and irrational.  I need to cry but I am so numb, and so in pain at the same time nothing comes out, my eyes well up but nothing more then that.   I struggle to get out of bed, every time I choose to even move my body screams in protest, and my mind tells me of every reason why I should not move and why I should stay in bed.  Even to carry on a conversation kills me, I am glad when LB is doing something other then spending time with me and wince every time the phone rings.
This is not a pity party here, the point of this blog post is to create the littlest bit of understanding for those in your life who go through this.
 I know that I will be okay, but some times I need a day in bed, in order to cope with the next week.  January and the beginning of February are the hardest months and I am hoping that my exercise will carry me through the next months.

Oh Yah

I figured out how to make comments available to everyone...

Run Run Run as fast as you can

you absolutely can catch me.  I know because I ran as hard as I could today, and it wasn't as far or as fast as I thought I could run..in my mind.  I am going to run this years Times Colonist 10K...so I thought I really should get on this...pronto.  I do not like running, I have mentioned before that I have wobbly bits, and they are much more noticeable when you are on a treadmill compared to the bike, elliptical or what ever other machine one is on.  However most of my fitness goals focused on running.  Such as the 10k, the marathon and the iron man, which I dream of participating in....running.  So I better learn to like running, as I will be doing it a lot in the next months!  I ran 3 miles in 37 minutes...or 4.8km.  I was a bit of a mess, I could hear my breathing...no panting over my music and when I was done someone said make sure you don't die. Needless to say there is a lot of hard work in front of me...

Just a reminder on this rainy yucky day

                             The days are starting to get longer...goodbye SAD

Why Not?

There are so many reason we give for not changing our lives... especially when it comes to healthy living. I have given myself all these excuses and more for why not.

* I don't have enough time-hogwash if you have 30minutes in your day to read a book, watch TV or are reading this blog...you have time to put on a pair of running shoes and head outside or to the gym. Trust me it will be some of the best spent time of your day.  Even when I have 3 exams one week and 2 papers due the next I have to make time...

* It cost money- I am fortunate that we are able to afford (well not really) for me to see K, but truly all you need is a pair of shoes, and if you live in a cold climate a gym might be useful.  Gym memberships are not that expensive, go to a local rec center, call up some friends to go walking/running with you if you need motivation.  If you really want it you will make it happen. 

* I have to give up...chocolate, coke, chips...yummy food-Not really, moderation is key again, yes I have chosen for the most part to give up those foods, but they had a hold on me like you wouldn't believe and I feel personally like most of the stuff is addictive and poison to our body.  There is something wrong if you cannot stop thinking about Cheeses.

* I don't know where to start- I don't either....even after months I don't know where to start.  Some days it starts with getting dressed and wondering around the house in my workout gear trying to get started, other days are much easier.  

* Eating healthy seems so over whelming- It's not that hard, shop on the perimeter of the grocery store...we rarely shop in the isles.  Clean out your cupboards, make a week meal plan, and only buy those groceries so that everything is premeditated. Eat lots of fruits and veggies, and water is your very best friend. There are 1000's of recipes online, and plenty of healthy ones. 

This is a new year and a chance for all of us to make it the healthiest year yet, so why not? Send me a reason and I'll let you know if you have a good enough reason why not to become a healthier you.

Here are some of my reason why you should:

1) My depression is manageable when I exercise...not gone, but manageable...I can believe that I am human during these winter months.  

2) People out there are so encouraging and supportive.  Seriously if you tell friends and family what you are doing, you will get support...maybe not from everyone, but enough to help you keep going.  And it is pretty awesome to hear it from someone how great you look!

3) Healthy food makes you not feel so sluggish...take it from a cheeses, sour soother, all bad food eater...the crazy roller coaster that your blood sugar is on sucks....and so not worth it.

4) Going down a clothing size feels great!

5) WAY BETTER SEX

6) I can look at pictures of myself and while my first reaction is still critical and a little mean, the next is a sense of pride.  I may not be where I want to be, but man I look good...or better.

7) Pushing yourself further then the time before.  I love being able to do one more push-up, or 30 seconds longer during a sprint. I feel powerful and in control of my self...and when you suffer from depression having/feeling a sense of control for a brief moment is so powerful and amazing. 

8) Self esteem.  Let's face it we all wish for a little more at times, and being/doing the things you want to be or do goes a long way in boosting your self esteem. 

9) Realizing you are not alone in your struggle to gain some control over your life.  Opening up to others allows you to be supported and in turn to be a support and encouragement to others. 

10) Did I need to go any further then better sex? 

I wish I could put into words what exercising and eating healthy has done for me mentally, physically and emotionally. I wish that I could put in to words my desire for each of you out there to look after and care for yourselves.  I can promise that the struggle is worth it...seriously do you think that I love getting my ass handed to me at the gym by K?...or not eating Reese Pieces?  really not a huge fan.  But I love what the struggle brings out, me.  It is so easy to hide behind layers of fat, food or behind a screen or a book, that we loose ourselves.  

2011 Reflections

Last night I spent some time looking back and reflecting on the last year, and it was a great year, no an incredible year.  

Some highlights

*Saw my first Canucks game...and it was an amazing game full of Sedinery, and an amazing hip check by Manny, and we won...of course

*Saw the Canucks make it to the Stanley Cup...so so close

*Got back home...and boy for the most part renos suck

*I got my self in pretty good shape 

*Started my blog and am in the process of  learning to be honest and vulnerable with myself

*Went to Mexico...boy was that a good vacation

*Lost 54 pounds in 10 months!

*Learnt so much in school: about myself and how I look at the world. 

*LB graduated and hopefully is done all his schooling for a long long time.

*Learned to love love love my life.

Except almost all of these things had direct negative impact on my/our life as well.  I am learning that with the amazing comes the struggles, or maybe it is because of the struggles the amazing occurs.  

I have no idea how we are going to top 2011...well actually we have some pretty exciting things in the works, which I will talk about when they actually come to being.