Depression and Loss AKA Looking Back

I have over the last few months been dealing with the loss that the depression has created in my life. For me it's the loss of time, I basically have about 5 years of nothing.  I think it is happening now when I am happier then ever and my life feels so rich and fulfilling, I feel the contrast of where my life was to where is is now.  I was trying to explain it to LB and the best way to describe how I look back at that time is like looking through a strangers photo album, there is no emotional connection to the events that you are viewing.  There are some events that I don't remember at all, or only remember the anxiety around the event., like my sister's wedding.  I picked up a photo album to look at what day it was so I could wish them at happy anniversary and realized I couldn't remember anything from that day very well, all I remember is being anxious...so glad for pictures!  It makes me sad, really sad to have days that normally would have made wonderful memories not exist for me.

There also is the loss of "living" I existed for 5 years I didn't live life not really.  Living to me is being out in the world; creating memories and friendships, exploring who your are and what your about.  I did none of those things.  There were weeks when I wouldn't/couldn't leave the house, seeing no one except for LB(who was working full time and often in school full time) I was completely and utterly alone.  Living in a cocoon of bad TV and audio books, nestled in bed drifting in and out of sleep: days, weeks, months and years pasted in that state.  Despite that I managed to dig myself out of that hole, it was hard and painful, like nothing I've yet experienced outside of the depression.  So now I mourn for those lost days, when I hold my baby  and realize that time is a valuable commodity not to be wasted or squandered.

We have been busy out and about doing great fun adventures with our little man, and sometimes I just have to take a moment and cry.  Cry because I am so thankful for what we are as a family, what I am capable of doing and being and thankful for how far I've come.

weigh in Wednesday

167.6, down a little tiny bit from 2 weeks ago but not much.  It's been a crazy two weeks with my back being sore again and Ronan being sick and unable to go to the gym daycare for a week.  So we are back to normal this week with the gym and trying to get eating healthy again.

Gym goals

So I have some personal goals at the gym and yesterday I smashed one of them!  I wanted to be able to lift 100 pounds during a back squat, and I lifted 110!  A set of 5 reps! wahoo!
My other goals are
1) a chin up
2) run 10k
3) one handed push up
So yippee for goals met...both on the scale and off!

Weight in Wednesday

a day late but I'm here!  167.8 down a pound and back to pre-pregnancy weight! (this is not the lowest I was last year as i lost a couple pounds in the first trimester, but it marks the 50 pounds lost mark again!) Happy dance! First of my goal met! Next goal is to get to the 150's in time for Ronan's 1st birthday and a family picture session in October. So that is 7.8 pounds and feasible.
I also have 2 weeks before I am part of a photo (and possible video)  campaign to encourage mothers to support one another in the choices that we make for our children. This is going to be online and offline here in Victoria and I am hoping to lose another 2 pounds...on a side note anyone want to help me figure out what on earth to wear and hair and makeup?

Weigh in Wednesday

168.8.  This is the same as last week, which I never posted.  We were away at church convention, and there was no time to exercise and not the healthiest food choices, so I am happy to have stayed at this weight for a week.  The little man and I are heading away Friday morning for a couple days and so again exercise and eating will be a challenge:( but i will do what I can with what I have!

C-Section healing through exercise

So I had a cesarean when Ronan was born, and the healing process went well, but it still is uncomfortable and problematic.  I thought that it was something that I would have to live with, as I had talked to other moms who years later still felt the discomfort of it. However I met with C for an appointment and he had talked to someone in the physical therapy side of his schooling who told him some stretches I could do to help healing and ease the discomfort. There were three simple exercises with an All Ball


It was 4 minutes per stretch, place the ball between your belly button and top of hip bone and lay on it, do the opposite side.   Then the last one is between your belly button and where your rib cage join up.  It stretches out the fascia muscle a layer of muscle that goes through out the body.

After the stretches we did some strength training for the core, and it felt pretty crazy.  I felt like the day I came home from the hospital where my core was like jello.   And then trying to do the core exercises I have done for the last couple months it was like learning to do them all over again and my body didn't co-operate. I am sore today, but happy at the idea that my body slowly can get very close to how it was before.   So I am ordering a ball, C recommends stretching out 3 times a week, I will see how the scar tissue and discomforts changes and heals!

Weigh in Wednesday

169.8!  So happy!