Tried Everything

Here are some of the things I have tried to help with depression
1) Medication: This was a big thing in the beginning, taking Seroquel, Celexa, Welburtin, Effexor and one other one that I can't remember, all of them at the same time and very high doses at one point.  Dr's are great, but in my case would just up the dose and add a new med without taking me off any.  It was a big mess and would recommend a specialist who knows the medication inside and out.
2) Counselling: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy(CBT) The idea with this is changing the faulty (not necessarily wrong) thought process and creating new healthy ones.
3) B12 supplements and shots: B12 has been linked with chronic depression and when I had my b12 tested I was critically low.  This was something I had to ask for from my Dr, again they are not always up to date on current research.
4) Tanning and SAD Lamp: Yes I am very aware of the risks of tanning and one of the side effects of one of the meds was sensitive skin to sun, but a low time in a tanning bed in the dead of winter did help slightly. My depression is always worse in the winter.
5) Somatic Therapy:  This a holistic look at the body as a whole, and the connection with your body and mind.  It may sound crazy and I was a little (okay very) skeptic but felt I had no options left.  It manipulates the body and lets the body tell the clinician what needs to be manipulated in the body (organs, muscles, fluids) This was done about a year and a half ago and really helped me on the road to recovering.  I will write more broadly about each of these in time and share my story and journey with each of them.
6) Getting a puppy: Way better than deciding to have a baby, Ringo gave me a reason to get out of the house, exercise, and to get out of my own way by having to care and look after the little guy.
7) Got rid of as many stressors as possible
8) Research:  Found out as much about depression as I could on my own so I could be my own advocate.
9) Moved to a brighter house: Again with the light so important for me.

All of these things had to be asked for.  If I've learned one thing from depression is you need to ask for help, and in some cases beg.  I have literally called specialist and begged them to get me in.  No one can help you if you don't ask, help doesn't magically fall into your lap and cures don't come without effort.  Every day means researching and learning about depression, opening up and talking to others who have been in similar situations, and being willing to make the changes in your own life.  Very similar to losing weight, really there is no magic pill that will make you skinny, it means helping yourself, and working hard.

Day of Rest

A much needed day of rest, I feel a little worse for wear though.  Every time I stop, sit down and rest, I end up feeling like an feeble old lady whose bones creak.   I think it is because I have been stretching the sore muscles when I am up and about and they feel okay until they cool down again.
Yesterdays work out was a dozy, K had me doing lunges and bicep curls at the same time,  I really hate lunges and have a great dislike(not quite hate) for bicep curls, so together equal a great hatred and when I told K this it seemed to make her very happy.   I think she has a sadistic side to her, because anytime things are not going well between me and an exercise she gets very happy! We also had to do crunches and two other arm curls on a half ball.  Now I am not the most coordinated person, I trip on flat ground over my own feet, so to have me squatting down is a bit dangerous and adding weights...well lets just say I almost took out K and her little folder on me (this could have some hidden meaning, Freud would have a field day with that).  So yes today was much needed to rest my aching muscles, but I was up and ready to go to the gym and feeling a bit antsy this morning.
On a side note we had the most wonderful afternoon with the cutest 2.5 year old little guy who named us Samandon.  Landon's cousin was in town with his wife and adorable little guy who we took to fisherman's wharf, petting zoo, beacon hill park and for ice cream(no ice cream for me).  All in all a perfect afternoon, except for the fact I left the memory card for the camera in the computer (AGAIN).
Looking forward to getting on with a new week with exercise and hoping that I will meet my goal for the last two weeks (I think the weigh in is on Thursday) regardless I have been working hard and in the gym this week 6 out of 7 days, an hour a day and eating right and I need need need to be proud of myself for that alone!  

A Rough Week

It's been a rough week, mostly mentally.  The scale shows a 1.5 pound loss, I am short a pound and a half, which kinda bugs me, I will just have to pick it up a notch, by food journaling.  This is where every food that comes in contact to my mouth gets written down.  I googled calorie counters and have just used the first one to come up so that will be very helpful, I am hoping that this will give me a better understanding of what I have eaten, and what is in the food that I need.

The next week and a half is going to be crazy, very busy and lots of family around (meaning tons of really good meals).  So I am planning on having a full refrigerator and a meal plan so that what ever is cooked there will be enough fruits, veggies, proteins and carbs that are good for me.   We are going away for a convention and I plan on bringing at least one of my own meals a day, and no snacking.  I will try and eat healthy when going out, and make sure to get in to the gym every day regardless of what is going on.
Having no stove is driving me crazy, so tired of BBQ'ing and would love to have quinoa as my protein source instead of fish or chicken.  I am hoping that my  MIL will do the cooking when she is here!

So I am going to try and give today the best I can, have K kick my butt, than on to getting ready for the craziness that will happen in the next 10 days.  I may not be able to blog everyday but will give it my best as it helps keep me accountable!

Going further than before

Yesterday was a really amazing and incredibly difficult work out with K.  We did two different exercise sets each with 3 reps each.  The first set was 5 exercises all working on upper body with barbells and one leg exercise it was really hard, I don't think of myself as strong and by the second rep I was shaking so bad. I had to stop between each rep to relax my muscles and stop the shaking.  The second set was a blur I was so exhausted by the first set that I couldn't believe that I had to start again and was very overwhelming.  I got the first to reps done and K said we were going to do each exercise until I could not physically not go any more...wow! Lat I doubled what I normally do I did 40!! I couldn't believe it, the step ups, crunches, weird pulley thing were okay I got about 10 more of each...but the plank I killed 1 minute! I was so so so excited because the plank is a mental exercise as well as physical. When I was doing the plank(s) I was telling myself you have faced much harder obstacles than this, mind you it never feels like it in the moment, and you are doing this for a reason and every bit of hurt is worth what I will get out of it.  It was amazing how that change of mindset allowed me to push further than ever before. I want to remember this everyday, not just in the gym and learn to find the inner strength to fight through anything that life throws at me.

Depression and Kiddlets

One of the rudest questions ever.... so when are you having children?  I know that it is not meant to be rude or hurtful, but it is to me. It feels like no one is even thinking about what is coming out of their mouths. What if I have been trying and not able to? Or just had a miscarriage? Or just don't want to have any? It is such a personal question, and should not be brought up in light conversation.
Being married for 6 years, you get this question a lot (no one asks Landon this question, well not as much as they ask me). Having children is such a huge responsibility, one that I personally feel for myself, that I am not able to give 100% (yet) having been battling with depression.  Depression and kids don't work for me, I know of some people who say that it has helped them.  When you can barely get out of bed, get dressed, hold down a job, cook and clean your house, or have any sort of social life adding a baby to that sort of life is like adding fuel to a fire. Both Landon and I feel very strongly about this, every piece of scientific research I have read says that severe maternal depression can have long term negative effects on the growth of children, both socially and physically.  So until I have been able to cope with my depression and I does not effect our lives there will be no babies coming into our lives.
I feel the desire everyday to add a child to our little family, often so bad it hurts (there have been many tears). So when you ask me when I am  having kids, I hurt, physically and mentally because I don't have an answer for you.  I love my future child too much to subject them to the life that we have lived with depression and haven't had enough time to know that the depression is not coming back to answer that question for myself let alone you.

Thank goodness for eyebrows!

K did a great job yesterday! I swear she can come up with new ways to make me hurt.  Lunges with weights...you have got to be kidding me, squats with weights...nearly dying, running sprints...yuck.  I was sweating so bad, rivers running down my face, following the arches of my eyebrows(why I am so glad for eyebrows kept the sweat almost all out of my eyes) running down the side of my face.   I work out without my glasses on as they steam up so I can only seeing blurry images of myself, except when on the treadmill.  So yesterday I was able to see myself and oh my goodness.  I could have played Lord Voldemort (from Harry Potter if you don't know who that is please read the books your missing out) I was so so so pale, it was really gross.  But it was a great work out, I was really pumped up going in to the training and it made a difference for me mentally to fight through each rep and enjoying fighting trying to do each individual exercise perfectly.

Clothes that FIT!!

I was so happy Sunday morning putting on a skirt I haven't been able to wear in over a year! It has take almost 30 pounds to get back in this skirt and I was/am so proud of myself.   It's weird, I have more confidence today then I ever did wearing a size 2.  I feel strong and capable and ready to take on the world, or at least until K knocks me down a peg or two in her work out this morning!
The path in front of me is long and will be hard and I am glad I have found this confidence in myself, as it will help make the journey bearable.