21 Day Fix

It's been a long time since the last post and so much has happened.  So I need boost in getting back to being healthy and fit, so the 21 day fix it is.  Today is day 1, and it's not been off to a good start.  I have been so sick the last 2 days and on antibiotics.  Here is hoping that it gets a little better over the next few days!

Weigh in Wednesday

165.6, just shy of a pound.  And surprised as I haven't done as much as I could have, so I want to challenge myself this week and this month to lose the 5.6 pounds to get under 160 by November 6th.

No More Mommy Wars

Being a mom is hard some days! Luckily for me, this summer I met some moms through a Facebook group for moms whose babies were born in 2012, and I was invited to participate in a judgement-free campaign on child raising "No More Mommy Wars" (http://momsunitingmoms.com).  There are a lot of decisions and choices to be made when it comes to raising children. These decisions can be scary when you are holding a brand new baby in your arms for the first time, so you make a decision and hope and pray that it's the right one.  When another parent makes a different decision, you start to second guess yours, and this can bring out a lot of angst and reactions may be a little less then kind.  Maybe it's because we are all tired, scared and haven't a clue what we are doing that causes us to lash out or make judgments on others' parenting styles. Whatever our reasons, these behaviours need to stop.  We are all in this together and the sooner we realize this, the better off we will all be.  Chances are the decisions on where our child sleeps, what car seat they are in, what type of diaper they wearing doesn't matter in the long term nearly as much as we may think it does now.

I had so many ideals going into motherhood, and in the last year many of those ideals have disintegrated and fell by the wayside, often to my dismay and heartache.  It has caused me to take pause when looking on another parents choices, we just never know what has gone on behind the scenes.  The first year has been humbling and I was so thankful for a project that allowed me to forgive myself for not meeting my own expectations and forgiving myself for being so hard on other parents in the past when I had no experience or understanding what it meant to be a mom.

We just got home from spending 6 days with my sister and her young family.  There really couldn't be someone who is a more different mother then I am than my sister, yet I loved it!  She is so laid back and easy going whereas I analyze and stress about every detail.  On the important things we are the same, that is: we love our kid(s) and want them to feel loved and be happy (basically what every mother wants for her children).  My sister and her husband have three children, aged 4, 3 and just under 2, they live on a farm on the prairies and are in the midst of remodeling a 100 year old farm house; talk about a busy household! The kids are amazing each with their own unique personality and so love-able! We left their place wanting to be better parents, we were inspired.  I've learnt a lot from her this year, as she is my 1st phone call when I need advice or support when it comes to R.  I have friends whose child rearing styles are more similar to my own, yet I go to her because she never judges and always supports me, and to have had her in my corner this last year has been priceless.  Even tonight as I called to ask if it was okay to reference her, we got talking about R's sleep situation and her words to me were, "you'll do what works best for you and R." In a world where there are 100's of sleep experts all with something different to say, her words and confidence in me are always refreshing and encouraging.

      I hope that we can all have someone in our corner as we go through child rearing years and can put our prejudices aside remembering we are all doing the best we can with what we have.

Weigh in Wednesday

166.4, I lost weight on vacation?  Maybe I just needed a break and relax so this week we are onward and downward.  Back to the gym after being away for about 3 weeks, and boy it kicked my butt as I am so very sore today.  It's good to be back.

Depression and Loss AKA Looking Back

I have over the last few months been dealing with the loss that the depression has created in my life. For me it's the loss of time, I basically have about 5 years of nothing.  I think it is happening now when I am happier then ever and my life feels so rich and fulfilling, I feel the contrast of where my life was to where is is now.  I was trying to explain it to LB and the best way to describe how I look back at that time is like looking through a strangers photo album, there is no emotional connection to the events that you are viewing.  There are some events that I don't remember at all, or only remember the anxiety around the event., like my sister's wedding.  I picked up a photo album to look at what day it was so I could wish them at happy anniversary and realized I couldn't remember anything from that day very well, all I remember is being anxious...so glad for pictures!  It makes me sad, really sad to have days that normally would have made wonderful memories not exist for me.

There also is the loss of "living" I existed for 5 years I didn't live life not really.  Living to me is being out in the world; creating memories and friendships, exploring who your are and what your about.  I did none of those things.  There were weeks when I wouldn't/couldn't leave the house, seeing no one except for LB(who was working full time and often in school full time) I was completely and utterly alone.  Living in a cocoon of bad TV and audio books, nestled in bed drifting in and out of sleep: days, weeks, months and years pasted in that state.  Despite that I managed to dig myself out of that hole, it was hard and painful, like nothing I've yet experienced outside of the depression.  So now I mourn for those lost days, when I hold my baby  and realize that time is a valuable commodity not to be wasted or squandered.

We have been busy out and about doing great fun adventures with our little man, and sometimes I just have to take a moment and cry.  Cry because I am so thankful for what we are as a family, what I am capable of doing and being and thankful for how far I've come.

weigh in Wednesday

167.6, down a little tiny bit from 2 weeks ago but not much.  It's been a crazy two weeks with my back being sore again and Ronan being sick and unable to go to the gym daycare for a week.  So we are back to normal this week with the gym and trying to get eating healthy again.

Gym goals

So I have some personal goals at the gym and yesterday I smashed one of them!  I wanted to be able to lift 100 pounds during a back squat, and I lifted 110!  A set of 5 reps! wahoo!
My other goals are
1) a chin up
2) run 10k
3) one handed push up
So yippee for goals met...both on the scale and off!